Well, it will be an experience

I'm outta here. To Europe AWAY... Not just yet. A couple more hours. Pretty excited. It is only a holiday, it is with my parents and not really going to the countries I want. But it beats the Australia I have dealt with my whole life. It's not a bad place, but I need a change.

I have to say goodbye to Social Me, won't be seeing any friends for a month. Unless I talk enough to a stranger that social me comes out. Which I doubt, I will be Parent Me. Which is the me I am least proud of. He is a bit of an asshole. Hell, he is a huge asshole, and really argumentative. Not to mention almost aggressively antisocial.

Goodbye to late night me too. Or at least to me expressing him. Unless that blank book I have gets overly tempting. It may...

Goodbye to the internet, and the webcomics, the random facts, the news on the gaming and film industries and the rest of that jazz.

Most sadly though, goodbye to music. I lost my mp3 player. This is the hardest bit. The other things I can easily survive without for a month. But my music? It has become a necessity, I have withdrawal symptoms. Sure, I will have the radio for some parts, and I kind of expect European radio to be better than most of the shite we suffer with here. But I need my music! Going away will be awesome, but coming back to the music will be incredible.

And goodbye to that girl too. As I said before, I leave with every intention of doing something. I doubt I will return with it though (unfortunately). I thought the game would be over, but hell, it could be only just begining.

AHH Glass Cage Songs

Don't you hate finding a band that sounds like everything you ever wanted in music, but you can not find any of their music apart from the tiniest glorious samples that you suck in like water to a thirsty man. The Peter Dolving Bands is one such example, when I finally managed to get a decent amount of their material I was, to put it simply, ecstatic. Before you die... is the latest. All I own is two songs downloaded from their myspace, and both are incredible. Now they have no songs available for download, only to listen. I have no hope of finding their material, they have yet to release an album (judging from the myspace, which is all I have, even this may not come around). Which saddens me. Like the toy at the shop you always wanted, but could never have. The song Half Life is one of those almost scary songs whose lyrics seem to slot into my life like they wrote the song for me.

'Should have never asked for anything. What I got was second rate. Still I thought I got the better deal. A friend is more than anything.'

And while I had a week or two of surprisingly enjoyable greyness (sometimes a break from emotions can be good, which I switch between agreeing with and rejecting), that girl is back on the mind. Some things can be...eye opening, I guess (ok, I admit in this case it was alcohol on a beach). You know what, I am going to do something with her. Probably fail epically, but hey, right now I don't have much to lose. She mentioned she had never heard of the awesome tree climbing park. Future me, give it a shot.

And past me? You should have confessed (flat rock again). You did not lie outright, but you should have come clean. It helps situations, but more importantly yourself. Myself. You can't read this. Damn causality.

Man this thing is addicting.

I feel I just have to write stuff here. For someone who used to be so against diaries I am suprising myself.

Did you know that three is the highest number the human brain can instantly recognise? Any number higher takes some level of thinking (even four is seen as two twos). Just an interesting fact.

Screw this game. I need to get out of here. This is not my home, it is a holiday town and that is all it will ever be (yeah thats right, town, nothing this disgustingly superficial and purposeless could be called a city). And saying this is not going to acheive anything, but I always wish it would.

On another note, Postsecret is quite an interesting idea. Suprising how many of the secrets one can relate to. Although many are just plain scary. Interesting all the same.

There is no better word for it. Crap.

Every now and then I remember something from ages ago, and I would hate to lose all these memories. So I figure I should try and record them.

In like grade 2 I made castles and tracks and arenas for ants in the sand pit. That is probably why I have a reasonable immunity to ant bites these days. I loved it though. We used to wrap the really hard to find ants (the ones with wings or the HUGE meat ants) in plastic, then bury them so we could play with them later. Ahh, good times.

Also I used to pretend to be dinosaurs! I loved that even more. Nothing beat Raptor Racing, or head butting the kid pretending to be a triceratops. One of the few games I actually had a chance of winning, mainly because I knew at least 50 species of dinosaurs encyclopedicly. But it was never a game you could win...

Then there was good old fashioned guns, or Jedis. Jedis was better in my opinion, because we used to get kids connector pens and make lightsabres out of them. I personally was responsible for the most popular design, one which could transform between a gun and a lightsabre, yet also used so few parts that everyone could have one. Of course, I was also under the secret belief that as star wars was in the future, I would become Qui Gon Jin. It was inevitable. I just had to wait for them to invent lightsabres, and my training could commence.

And then there was that time that I befriended some Texan kid. Being from Texas, I had to ask him if they had guns in Texas. Which they apparently did. Which confirmed for me that Texas still had cowboys, and I had befriended the distant relative of one. Then his sister heard him calling me my name, which she mistook for Karen. Then went on to assume I was a girl, and that her brother (Craig) had a girlfriend. As often happens. As she was in grade 5 or something I never had the guts to point out that I actually had a doodle. And so I have not yet forgotten the time someone thought I was a girl for an extended period of time (I honestly remember it as weeks). As far as I know she never realised her mistake, no matter how much her brother tried to persuade her otherwise.

In grade 1 I went around a big fat black kid who could bend his fingers back all the way telling other kids that they were in grade 0 and we were in grade 7. Then laughing mercilessly at them and their 'grade 0'ness.

Jeez I was an arsehole when I was younger. I used to tease the 'special' kids. There was one who absolutely freaked out at anything related to a gun. So I constantly shot him with my finger gun. And then found it funny. Looking back on it, the poor kid probably had a really violent experience involving guns to be that paranoid about them. Not something that was that funny at all. Far out, it used to be a viable lunch time activity to tease the special kids. I can remember a couple of lunch times where that is all I did.

Woah, I used to tease everyone. Then encourage the new kids to do it too. I was a horrible child. And I used to tear apart lizards. I used to love lizards, I would spend all my time catching them and keeping them in old fish tanks, feeding them and hatching them from the eggs I would find. Then I somehow got it into my head that I had to tear them apart. As in grab their heads and back legs, then pull until their guts came out. I didn't enjoy it, but it was my job to. That actually kind of scares me now.

Then there was all the traps I used to set for my younger siblings. One involved a can filled with sand on a string, which would swing down at head height. Which smacked my littlest brother square in the face. I can not see how that was a good idea. Or the time I got a piece of chalk and wrote SEX everywhere in my yard. Because I knew it was a bad word.

I had forgotten how horrible I was. Damn. Looking at myself now I guess I am actually pretty good considering how I could have turned out. Namely as a serial killer with a particularly brutal yet frighteningly creative killing method. Looks like that's enough remembering the past for the moment. Oh wait. Fubarian Monkeys. The greatest craze from like grade 5 or 6.

And I talked to that girl again. Without feeling awkward. Even as the subject of the letter was brought up. Which is pretty damn crazy. She asked if that was me, or crazy drunk Russian me who wrote it (asking whether I was sober at the time). I wish I had said it was more me than I have been in a long time. But I just said no, I was sober. Funny how she could tell that it wasn't written by the me she knew. So late night me has officially spoken to someone. I haven't seen him about lately, which is interesting. Craziest bit is that she doesn't seem as special to me anymore, ie; I can think about her without weird feelings in my gut. Which is the opposite to what I thought I would be feeling. Interesting times.

Time is a funny thing...

When you are short of it, it seems impossible to have too much. But that is exactly what I now have. And after so long being so short on it, I feel the stuff is too precious to waste. Are my days of just lounging around letting time go by without a worry over? As it slips away I feel like I am actually losing something, it is an uncomfortable sensation. I need something to do, I can't let this time slip by untouched. But I still never get round to doing stuff. Screw it, I will make the effort. I am going to take up reading again. I am going to become conversational in Russian. I am going to get a functional knowledge of French and German. I probably should go out more. Trouble is I have nowhere to go... Hmmm. I am going to get a job, or at least find one. And a good one too, not just a fast food one. I am going to become better at drawing. I am going to make something. I am going to build a fort in the bush behind my house. I am going to get fit. Seriously. I am going to find somewhere new, somewhere I have never been before. I love exploring. Maybe get better at guitar. Most importantly, I need to find a way out. This place is not my home, and for the first time in my life there is nothing stopping me freeing myself (except money). If I save up for an airfare and just get out of here, could that work? You always hear stories of those immigrants who show up in the land of opportunity with nothing but a $5 note and an optimistic attitude. Does that even work these days? Probably not, but I guess it's worth a shot. I doubt I will do it though.

I hope I do end up doing those things. Spending all this time with myself is starting to drive me crazy I think. I reach conclusions, logical, inarguable conclusions, that seem so out of tune with everyone else. In the words of Peter Dolving "Going insane's overrated, I was right all along; You're all the monsters - I am the normal one". I really enjoyed that album (The Dead Eye by The Haunted). One of my all time favourites.

Edit: And I am definitely going to either rent out or buy every single episode of Simon Pegg's Spaced. I LOVE that show.

Should find something else to talk about

I complain too much. I am now way too afraid to talk to that girl now she has seen my other side. Damn me. But enough about that, check this thing out!

It might not be around when you look at it future self, but it is incredible. Its a multiplayer online music 'game' I suppose you could call it, although it is more of a collaborative composing tool. In the form of a game. With other randoms on the internet, each gets one instrument that they control (which they can change, as well as its pitch and timing), and everyone aims to make a song. When I tried something half decent was going off, but it would probably help if more people were playing it. A gorgeous idea though. Just thought I'd put that out there, it really blew my mind when I realised what was going on (it was a link from some Russian site, and my Russian is terrible).

That's pretty much it for big things in my life at the moment. And Clutch is as awesome as ever, really annoys me how unknown they are. What is it with the people I know? I feel like it is my responsibility to introduce them to good music, and if it weren't for me they would still be living off what the radio plays. Shudder.