Woah...

Well I did it, and I feel a better person for making the effort. And yet it is not over. I can't say it is completely unexpected, but I got a reply. Which pretty much shattered my world. I played the game as though it ended on that Friday, but it doesn't. That was not a good way of looking at it (although maybe it was, as I ended up doing the most honest thing I have for a long time, and am so thankful I did). So the game goes on, but as I said, the rules have changed. I got a reply. And the entire playing field is shaken. It's not a good week for this to be going on either, I have been partying and stuff a fair bit. But anyway. The reply.

It basically returned the compliments, minus most of the adoration that mine had (which I understand completely, and half expected). That alone would have messed me round. But then it says 'of course we should hang out'. Which screwed me. Now not even the playing field is familiar in this game. I am lost, no idea where to turn or what to do. In the words of the tallest man on earth, 'Shit' (he would have said it at some point, and he is excellent with the guitar. I am talking about the Swedish one). I have spent so long, so incredibly long, waiting for anything like this day, that now it has come, I am honestly lost. I need some time to think, something I am so damn short on.

Perhaps what scared me the most is how while my initial reaction was a considerable portion pure elation, it was also a considerable portion complete fear. What am I afraid of? Why do I still have a problem? So focused I was on the journey I forgot there was a destination. Am I afraid because this is all so new, because I have never been in a situation like this before? Or is it because for one of the very few times in my life, someone I know has seen part of this side of me, late night me? For the first time in a long time, I am seen as who I am. My feelings are exposed. I think perhaps it is a bit of both, although mostly the second. I am a cocoon man, and this makes me feel so naked.

So now, what do I do? She gave me her number, does that mean she honestly would like to hang out with me? Or is it mostly just her being incredibly kind as she is known to be and doing it for my sake? Should it matter? I suppose it does, a considerable bit. And this is one of those things that just ignoring my doubts and believing the most enjoyable possibility will not work for, because it actually has an effect. I do not want to seem 'imposing'. Well I have come this far. Further than I have ever been before. And yet I am still barely anywhere. I will not give up. That is what I did before, and I hope that the memory of that pain will keep me in this. I will do this. I think, however, I need help.

This just got real. And I was never particularly good at reality. I don't think I will reply now, mostly because this is late night me, tired and after some empty, shallow partying. And late night me even creeps the rest of me out sometimes. If I ever become a serial killer, I am blaming that guy. I am going to ring her. Not now, but within a week. That is very important. Future self, do not let me down on this one. I ring because that is the most personal way, it reduces my reliance on the impersonal texts. It is also one of my greatest fears.

Off topic, but very important news. The Tallest Man on Earth, while being a bit of a Bob Dylan copy, is actually incredible. I first heard him a fair while ago, and I loved everything about him, except the music. But after re-listening, I have found I do like his music. And I have found the video clip of the year. It begins with a giant, walking through the Swedish countryside, doing something with his hideously oversize hands. Then you realise he is playing a tiny (although in reality normal sized) guitar. And the giant sings along to it, he is heinous, a true freak of nature. You get a real feel for the loneliness of this giant, so hideous yet making beautiful music. The most wonderful aesthetic I have enjoyed for a long time. His funeral will be an expensive affair, with his body cut in two to fit inside a coffin. And some will mourn his top half, and others his lower half. I will be mourning his top half.