Что я делаю?

I do not know what I am doing. I have no plan. All I know is what I want, everything else is just grasping at straws. All I want is someone to talk to, a real friend. Not the kind that makes the rest of me hide behind my social face. Someone I can be myself around. This girl was my only hope. She seems to have dissapeared. Just when I built up the courage to talk to her. I suppose I dissapeared this week, that reply freaked me out and I spent days just lying around working out what to do. I doubt she dissapeared for the same reasons though.

Perhaps I have spent too much time around myself. That always makes me go a little crazy, especially when I haven't been distracting myself from my thoughts with games or movies. Like the man who refuses to sleep because his nightmares drive him insane, I distract myself from my own thoughts to stay sane. Or at least sanity of a kind. Going insane would be quite an experience. I suppose the best thing about it is everything stays just as logical to you, but you no longer make sense to others. Which would be quite the reversal.

Well no matter how depressed, unsure, confused or insecure I am, no matter how much I complain, time goes on. And awesome music is being played. And stories are being made. I just hope my own has a happy ending, but I suppose that just depends on where my story ends.

This thing is better than I thought.

Was just reading through everything I put up here, and I have to say I am thankful for it. It was actually really interesting for me to go through and see how things have changed this year. Probably wouldn't be for anyone else, but they are not the reason I write this thing. It also reminded me how much that girl means to me. And why I can't let her go like the other times, why I have to actually give this my all. Which I will. Of course...

Was also an interesting experience to leave comments on the things, tiny attempts to communicate with my past self. He will never get them, but I find it a strangely enjoyable activity. I wonder what future self will think of them. It would be really interesting to have a conversation with my future self. Or my past self. But causality has to be the most irritating law of physics. Things would be a lot better if effects occurred before the cause. Although I suppose the paradoxes would be a problem, but we could just pretend they never happened and enjoy our lottery wins. Of which, at this point of my life, a considerable portion would be spent on training monkey butlers. Who would wear suits. And there would be a leader monkey, with a top hat, tail coat and monocle called Darwin. Oh what I would do for a monkey. Life goals list NOW:

• Own a pet monkey
• Catch an ibis and touch the back of its head. It must be done.
• Hedge maze (this one is probably inspired by that girl, but I think it was on the list before then, not quite sure)
• Do a bunch of jobs that people find hard to believe, leading to awesome stories at parties. (Yeah I was an elephant keeper for a few months in Moscow/busker/spy/con-artist)
• Pretend to have done jobs that people find hard to believe, just to have awesome stories at parties.
  
• When wherever I live starts to get boring, disappear for a while, ending up in some random country miles from anyone I know, from which I could make that one phone call I have always wanted to make (Hey ____, hows it been. I am actually in Latvia. Yeah, the tiny European country Latvia. No I do not speak Latvian. Yes I need to get out of here, some people here at the pub are looking a little too much at my kidneys.(or some other crazy awesome story that will inevitably happen from such a situation)).
• Pretend to be someone else to a bunch of people I recently met, to the point I may never tell them I am actually just an Australian student, not the disowned son of a Russian billionaire.
• Layout a crazy detailed plan, everything taken into account to the nth degree, then enacting it. The plan can be for anything, from a heist (which would be insane) to a really roundabout way of getting someone to buy me a very specific lunch.
• Do something that gets everyone talking, but no one ever realises was me. Like some insane graffiti thing, or certain stickers everywhere like the pixelman.
• Find the Pixelman. In case you have forgotten future self, he is what I call whoever is putting up stickers of a man made of pixels. He gets them everywhere, highways, even down in Brisbane. To be fair though, it looks like he has also expanded to putting up the ghosts from pacman. I must find this man.

Well that is quite a list. If I end up doing even 3 of them I will die a happy man.

Two more things. I died a little on the inside the other week. Me and a friend were discussing how good it was to be a kid. I AM STILL A KID AND WILL BE FOR ANOTHER 6 MONTHS. I can remember being a kid, and talking about how everyone who is not a kid looks back on being a kid as the best, and thinking how wrong they were. When I was a kid, I though being a kid was over-rated. Damn I am getting older.

The other is, well, you know how you unconsiously link certain songs to certain times of your life? Listening to Passenger instantly takes me back to depression. Others make me remember my primary school days, or particular women problems. Hell, certain songs off Shadow Zone by Static-X make me remember my days of Warhammer 40k. I need new songs for now. I want to imprint my emotions now on some music, so I can relive them in years time. Perhaps Mechanical Poet can be that music.

Edit: Nope, looks like that music will be Tiger Lou. Very impressed.

Stupid self.

I really should have rang. Why is it so damn hard, what is wrong with me? Everyone else makes it look easy, and to them it may be. But not to me. Sheesh. I hate to make this thing such a depressing read, writing about nothing but my own annoyance with my insecurities. But no matter how many times I say that, that is how it ends up. And I am doing it again. Let's try doing this positively.

I sent a text, so at least she has my number now. It was going to be asking her out, but thats just a little too hard for me it seems. But it did kind of say that it would happen. And I will make it happen. And then everything will be nice and positive and I will have nothing to complain about. Of course...

I am just so tired of pretending all the time. I want someone I can talk to honestly, like you. By which I mean this whole blog thing. It is useful for that. She is the only person I have met in a long time who I could honestly imagine talking truely honestly to, as well as being the most interesting one for years. Funny how conversation is the thing I am most attracted to.

And on another note, I have a music blog now. Of a kind. Seems to be the cool thing to do these days, and it is my sad attempt at repaying the internet back for the weeks of incredible music it has introduced me to.

Woah...

Well I did it, and I feel a better person for making the effort. And yet it is not over. I can't say it is completely unexpected, but I got a reply. Which pretty much shattered my world. I played the game as though it ended on that Friday, but it doesn't. That was not a good way of looking at it (although maybe it was, as I ended up doing the most honest thing I have for a long time, and am so thankful I did). So the game goes on, but as I said, the rules have changed. I got a reply. And the entire playing field is shaken. It's not a good week for this to be going on either, I have been partying and stuff a fair bit. But anyway. The reply.

It basically returned the compliments, minus most of the adoration that mine had (which I understand completely, and half expected). That alone would have messed me round. But then it says 'of course we should hang out'. Which screwed me. Now not even the playing field is familiar in this game. I am lost, no idea where to turn or what to do. In the words of the tallest man on earth, 'Shit' (he would have said it at some point, and he is excellent with the guitar. I am talking about the Swedish one). I have spent so long, so incredibly long, waiting for anything like this day, that now it has come, I am honestly lost. I need some time to think, something I am so damn short on.

Perhaps what scared me the most is how while my initial reaction was a considerable portion pure elation, it was also a considerable portion complete fear. What am I afraid of? Why do I still have a problem? So focused I was on the journey I forgot there was a destination. Am I afraid because this is all so new, because I have never been in a situation like this before? Or is it because for one of the very few times in my life, someone I know has seen part of this side of me, late night me? For the first time in a long time, I am seen as who I am. My feelings are exposed. I think perhaps it is a bit of both, although mostly the second. I am a cocoon man, and this makes me feel so naked.

So now, what do I do? She gave me her number, does that mean she honestly would like to hang out with me? Or is it mostly just her being incredibly kind as she is known to be and doing it for my sake? Should it matter? I suppose it does, a considerable bit. And this is one of those things that just ignoring my doubts and believing the most enjoyable possibility will not work for, because it actually has an effect. I do not want to seem 'imposing'. Well I have come this far. Further than I have ever been before. And yet I am still barely anywhere. I will not give up. That is what I did before, and I hope that the memory of that pain will keep me in this. I will do this. I think, however, I need help.

This just got real. And I was never particularly good at reality. I don't think I will reply now, mostly because this is late night me, tired and after some empty, shallow partying. And late night me even creeps the rest of me out sometimes. If I ever become a serial killer, I am blaming that guy. I am going to ring her. Not now, but within a week. That is very important. Future self, do not let me down on this one. I ring because that is the most personal way, it reduces my reliance on the impersonal texts. It is also one of my greatest fears.

Off topic, but very important news. The Tallest Man on Earth, while being a bit of a Bob Dylan copy, is actually incredible. I first heard him a fair while ago, and I loved everything about him, except the music. But after re-listening, I have found I do like his music. And I have found the video clip of the year. It begins with a giant, walking through the Swedish countryside, doing something with his hideously oversize hands. Then you realise he is playing a tiny (although in reality normal sized) guitar. And the giant sings along to it, he is heinous, a true freak of nature. You get a real feel for the loneliness of this giant, so hideous yet making beautiful music. The most wonderful aesthetic I have enjoyed for a long time. His funeral will be an expensive affair, with his body cut in two to fit inside a coffin. And some will mourn his top half, and others his lower half. I will be mourning his top half.

2

I am so tired of just waiting. For once I will try and do something. I have at least some kind of plan, which typically minimises my losses as much as is humanely possible to the extent that it barely counts as a risk. But it still is to me. 2 Days. Do all I can in those two days, because the last thing I want to do is lose her. Once it is over, no matter what, I will come clean. Say it to her face or at least let her know. The game is almost over, and I am walking a knife edge again. Again, I sicken myself, but I hope that will change. Oh God I hope that will change.

2 Days. I will do this.

I love the rain.

It is somehow so enjoyable when it rains. Especially at night. The night is awesome enough, but with rain? Incredible. I always like walking through the streets late at night with a light drizzle, there is something about how the road reflects the street lights and it all gets that glowing haze around anything bright. Driving, I have found, is perhaps even more enjoyable, because listening to music is much easier. In fact the other day I actually purposefully lost myself in some random street ends just to spend more time driving in the rain (and also losing yourself can be a surprisingly interesting activity). So I am loving this weeks rain. Rain always seems so foreboding, so lonely, so ... grey. Perhaps I enjoy it so much because it symbolises so well the emotions I am best at. As I used to fervently believe, It Will Come With The Rain. Don't even get me started on how much I love storms.

Promise and the Monster, David Sandström, Long Distance Calling and the always emotional Passenger are all on my rainy day playlist. Music and rain seem to go so well together.

The other reason I like rain so much is because it beats the hell out of the stinking Christmas humidity. That will probably always be a mark of my Australian childhood, stinking humidity=Christmas.

4 days buddy.

On Your Marks

5 days. 3 words. Looks like this is it, come on future self. Game on. Go.

What is it? I want it.

There is something in certain songs, by certain bands, that just sounds like where I want to be. Almost impossible to describe the feeling, but when I hear it, all of me just shuts down except for some primal portion, which fills with longing for whatever 'it' is. The kind of song I want to somehow get inside. Such songs depress me, because as they finish I am filled with the sense I will never get to go there, enter that world that the song creates. Probably sounds ridiculous, but its the closest I can get with these clumsy words to what I mean. And what comes out is still pretty far off. Anyway, this I hear in songs from Gardenian, In Flames, and especially Passenger. I thought perhaps it was the touch of Niklas Englin or the voice of Anders Friden, but I have heard a new band which does this. And the singer is female.

Promise and the Monster, which is a very interesting name. Amazing. Described as José Gonzalez if he were a serial killer and female, which I love. What I notice however, is that all the bands that have this touch are Swedish. I used to think it was something to do with the Gothenburg area, but Promise and the Monster are from Uppsala. As I have said before though, it would seem Sweden is awesomeness incarnate, so this just goes as more evidence. What is it with that country?

This game sucks

Ahh, more simply inane shite that I talk about to make myself feel better. That girl has got '___ love forever' in her msn name (____ is a name, but I do not know them). It is incredibly sad that this is what I have to say, I depress even myself with it. It is a dilemma, of the highest order. It seems too cliche to be something she would do seriously, seems more likely to be a joke of some sort. But I can not know for sure! Is it worth still trying? Is it some kind of sick trick to evoke jealousy in me like they do in the movies? (this I really doubt). Ah, this game is way too hard for me.

And again, I am amazed at how 'satisfying'(?) it feels to actually talk about this stuff. I used to just deal with it all inside me, but just writing it down seems to help so much. I hope this doesn't become a dependence, an addiction, another thing I need to do in my life (along with coffee and lollies).

And how do you win?

It's like a damn game. Everyone seems to know the rules, but no-one told me. I am barely even sure I am playing, trying to keep up by copying what the rest of them do. No idea what happens if I get left behind, but from the way everyone avoids it I don't think I want to. It makes it pretty damn hard to get ahead though.

How do you play? What am I allowed to do? I want to join in, but no-one has the time to explain the game to me.

And I Wonder How it Could Have Been...

I listen pretty exclusively to really obscure music. And I think that, while yes, I do enjoy this really obscure music, it also has something to do with my fear of being judged again. If people know the band, and you mention them, woah, they always seem to have an opinion. Which can be good in some cases, begining a conversation and leader to other things. But at the same time they immediately build an impression of you. Same goes if you dress in a way that could remotely be associated with any sub-culture. BAM!, you are a . Which annoys me greatly.

And future self, if you are reading, you had 12 days and 13 hours left. Please.

Uhhhh...

This thing is pretty damn depressing. I swear I am not quite this pathetic. But here I go again. Probably not the best of habits. Although it is most likely because this is late night me, who is good at philosophy, open mindedness and depression. Not so good with the socialization and the humour and the happy thoughts, but hey.

And if anyone has the chance to (rewatch if you can future self), watch the show 'Review with Myles Barlow'. It is incredible. For a cheap little Australian comedy, I am simply amazed, it is honestly some of the most enjoyable television I have watched in some time. I crack up more than once each episode guaranteed, and who wouldn't when he reviews fishing without bait, and forgetting ones train of thought (which he gives two stars, due to the sudden euphoria one feels upon rediscovering their purpose, at which point he grabs the car battery and goes back to his bound hostage). Ahhh, awesome show.

More shite that I write for the sake of writing.

Maybe it's because I have no one else I can really talk to, but I feel like I have to share some things. Even if it is just to my future self. I could never get it before, but I can actually see how people love just talking about their crap (even if it pretty much just them saying it).

A week ago I had almost given up on 'that girl'. In a way. But recently I heard something that completely twisted the game around. In the way most likely to be a joke, and least likely to be taken seriously, I was told she likes me. But hey, screw all the doubt, it is so fun to believe it. So I do, in a way, although only in my mind. It really is awesome sometimes to be a person. It might even be beneficial in some way, as I am more likely to let at least a little slip of how much I absolutely adore her. Now I am promising, that I will tell her how I feel. I am doubting I will do it, but I am promising it here. Please do it future self. You have 18 days to do something at least. Please.

Why don't I do anything? Perhaps it is time for some homebrand psychology. As far as I can see, there are 2 reasons I don't. The risk of being rejected is not worth the chance of 'winning' (what word is there in the English language, or otherwise, that describes what I want here?). Alternatively, there are some negatives associated with 'winning' that outweigh the positives. Although I cant quite see what these would be. So it must be the fear of rejection. The only problem with this is, last time I was in this situation, I got to the point the chance of rejection was minimised to 0 (as in mutual 'liking' (that is really a horrible word for what I want to say) was guaranteed) . But I still did nothing. Which indicated that there were some negatives associated with doing something that outweighed the positives in my mind. Have I changed all that much since then? I hope so. Oh Lord I hope so.

And I keep realising how damn creepy this would be for most others to read, let alone 'that girl' (I think saying her name once was enough really). I am playing this like a damn game. And the biggest problem with that is that I can always afford to lose a game, but not this chance.

But a life should always have secret plans. And one begins to form. Iptspgoatltm. You might want to check out ypwtkwtm if that means something to you.

Lost a wee bit here

I am Lost. A rudderless ship in a raging storm, yet when I open my eyes the skies are clear. Everything still looks foreign though.

Some say we all have a purpose, and it is our job to find it. But I put too much thought into the matter. How could this be? Being just an interesting outcome of 13 billion years of stuff happening (or so it would seem) I can hardly see how we are here for something. And what happens when you fulfil this purpose? Do you 'win'? What incentive is there to even attempt your specific purpose once you find it? Although perhaps they mean it differently. I have a purpose, I suppose, in the same was a rate 65 million years ago had the purpose of avoiding being killed for long enough to give birth to my ancestors. So I must have to do what I do, and that is my purpose. I cant really fail it. Which doesn't help me at all. Do these people put any thought into what they say?

Do I even need a purpose? Would that make me feel less 'lost'? What do I want? I think this could be my problem.

Hmm, well for one thing I want a girlfriend. And that was surprisingly weird to say. I cant think of much else I really want. Which means I am pretty screwed if I ever get one, although that might be the reason I never do anything (subconscious worked all this out first and is just watching out for me by screwing me over here. Thanks subconscious.). I doubt it. I think I am just a little too different.

Who is this?

Is this who I am, or who I want to be? Or who I think would be most attractive to the kind of people I want to be around? If so much I do is an act, is even this a misrepresentation of myself? If it is, where am I?