To my Future Self

The happier I am, the less I use this thing. So I think I can safely assume I am talking to you, future self, at some point that you are unhappy on some level. This is written for the one week away future me, but to save me time I'll right it for the rest of you as well (the other future mes).

What are you doing?
Sitting there, looking through here, trying to avoid what you should be doing. Not just what you have to do, but what you really want to. Still as gutless as I am? It sucks future self, but I put up with it for you. In the hope you will one day actually do it (whatever it currently is). You do nothing for me but give me hope, which is what I live for. Never getting anywhere, but going on in the hope I may. Obviously it makes no difference to me what you do, I affect you not vice versa. But while I die everyday, you never will. No matter what happens, I have a future (no matter how short), and as long as I do I have hope. And so should you future self, although I hope that you have no need for it. I hope for a better future, that you should only hope for a longer present.

From right now me to you, this is as close as we can ever get to talking. A one sided conversation, which you probably wish you could reply to, warning me of my unhappy future that I bring on myself. Which would no doubt come from all this, ignoring the present which is constantly being lost and leaving it all up to the future. My past self annoys me, but that is who I was. Have I even changed? I can't change my past self, I create my present with which I hope to make stuff better for you future self. Do I get any thanks?

Monday is a hole that eats me alive, to spit me out gasping for air.

I own Rejoice!. Only the mp3s, which really lacks that awesome feeling you get when you hold the album in your hands, but at least I have the music. And what music! Typical Peter Dolving stuff, both what I expected and yet somehow more. A delicious shade of darkness to this album, flavouring the lyrics of loss and love gloriously. And these lyrics are spectacular, true Dolving style. They are not the kind of lyrics that are so vague anything can be taken from them, getting their message across with some touching symbolism all held in Dolving's voice as he switches from aggression to whispers that promise violence, layered with some marvelously melancholic melodies.

But this album is not just a showcase of Peter Dolving's voice. While a spectacular component, it is the culmination of all the band members that make this album. There are no face melting solos or incredible drumming. By themselves each component would be almost nothing. But together they form something incredible, especially considering how minimal the sound is. The other band members are just as incredible (Ok, maybe not as incredible as Dolving), and are just what the album needs.

Maybe it is because I am a huge Dolving fan, or maybe because I have wanted this album for so long and am just too afraid of the disappointment, but this album is incredible. For anyone new to Dolving's work, it is like radio indie rock stuff twisted and contorted to a dark and melancholic nemesis of its former self, hardly recognisable. Hard to name anything similar, although this is probably my own fault rather than their spectacular uniqueness. Highly recommended for anyone who likes guitars and good singing, especially for fans of awesome lyrics.

Highlights:
All of the songs are awesome, so this is pretty hard.

• Crow King. Spectacularly dark and my second favourite singing on the album.
  
• Sing Cain. Awesome song. Just awesome. A slightly disjointed (but in a good way, like the Joker from The Dark Knight) tune with an almost apocalyptic feel, the last section of this song is just incredible.
• Where We Go. Incredible, with possibly my favourite lyrics on the album. A love song, but in an almost helpless way. I love it.

If you do not know them, check them out here. You will not regret it, and if you do I will not hate you, or become disgusted at your taste of music. I will just pity you, that you can not get the same enjoyment I do from this wonderful band.

Rejoice!

Peter Dolving's latest musical achievement has been released. Rejoice!, by Bring the War Home. I still have not got it, but I think I will actually buy this one. This guy deserves the support, and so do the others in the band (especially Ulf, who needs to get round to releasing a Before you die... album).

On another note, my Peter Dolving collection has just grown. Only by one song, but each one is a gem. Brings the total now to 16, which is more than a full album! But I would honestly prefer a full album. A fair few of these are live recordings, and all are low quality. If ANYONE, absolutely anyone, out there has a Peter Dolving Band album, I will do anything for it. I will buy it with real money even, more than it is worth. Or you could just upload the songs somewhere. But honestly, either way. On the same note, I fully understand the magic that is Peter Dolving, so if anyone out there would like some Dolving I would be willing to help with what little I have. Who am I kidding though. Out of the two randoms and myself who ever look at this thing (excepting that awesome Swede), none are likely to be able to help or want any. Most likely don't even know who Dolving is. Which is a real shame.

Silly Me

I put my name down for some one act play thing. Really regret it now. I thought that by going in it it would leave my future self no option but to get some confidence and get out there. And also that girl was in it, so at least could have a conversation. I have pretty much failed at both, basically just make a fool of myself and don't even talk to that girl. Damn me.

I am a social retard, and notice things that are never there and miss the blatantly obvious in the inter-human interactions that go on around me. But it seems to me that girl seems to, I don't know, like me less? Could that indicate she at least had some kind of attraction to me? I highly doubt it, chances are she has given up putting effort into communicating with someone like me, where it barely gets you anywhere. Is it something I have done? It never is with me, its always something I haven't done. Which should teach me to be such a passive and accepting wimp, but it never does. Made 11 points yesterday, but none today. 39 points over three days. I doubt I will make it.

A future

I have recently had to choose what I will be doing at university. Having no idea what I wanted myself, I was pretty much told to do engineering. It's what the cool kids do apparently. From what I know of engineering, it doesn't particularly tickle my pickle. Suppose I have to do something though, and if there is nothing I want to do I might as well do something I can do. Which is not entirely true really. I have always kind of wanted to be a cartoonist. Or a game designer guy (who worked on the story lines). But to do be a cartoonist I have to be a half decent drawer, and everyone I know looks down upon game designers. So engineer it is. I don't even particularly like engines.

Screw this, I might have a shot at doing a web-comic. Looks like fun, and I am sure I can do a better job than half the crap out there (the kind of view that has probably lead to most of the crap). Or at least something that I would like more. Which is all I really want in the end I suppose, something I am happy with. I'd probably do it on another blog or something, linked to from here but probably not link the comic back here. This place is for me, and the other one would be for my attempts at a comic. I don't think they would work mixed together too much just yet.

And still that girl. Damn you past self, future self and present self. I hate all of you. Do something. It's harder than it looks man, you give it a shot. Hey, I'm not around in public situations remember? Ah yeah, looks like it is up to me then. Yeah that's right, please grow a spine and actually put in real effort. For all of us. You now have 5 weeks.

What if I make it a game? Set some goals? Not so good at this stuff, but the successful people swear by it. Alright.

• 1 Point for a greeting
• 1 Point for a smile
  
• 2 Points for some kind of comment, more than a greeting but not an actual conversation.
• 2-3 Points for a laugh, depending on 'goodness'.
  
• 5 Points for a msn conversation plus a bonus one for each time something from the conversation gets rementioned.
• 10 Points for a real conversation, plus a bonus two for each time something from the conversation gets rementioned.
• Actual pre-arranged meeting with her outside of school in real life is an instant win. That will be the end of the game, because from then on (at least I am hoping) we will see enough of each other to work out if it will work or not. The game is really just to stop myself being such a social retard.

Jeezus I'm an idiot. This would be extremely awkward if she happened to see, but I hope in some small way she does (and doesn't freak out and avoid me like the creep I am). Alright, so that's the points. I can already see myself lowering the standards so I get the points while achieving as little as possible, which is why I tried to make the requirements impossible to do that to. I think future self will find a way though.

Go for 50 points a week. It will start from Sunday.

Yes this is partly inspired by Demetri Martin. Although in his system there was no real way to win. I always play to win.

And on a final note, I think I should stop listening to that magic 8 ball. It doesn't always give the best advice, but if one cant trust the decisions of a randomizing piece of software (yes I only have an 8 ball sidebar gadget, too poor for a real one) what can one trust in life?

Avoiding the other important stuff I should be doing

The title pretty much describes it. I have other stuff to do, but I would rather not.

That girl again, unsurprisingly. 6 weeks. Go Boy Go. Good luck with that future self. You probably hate me. Doesn't surprise me really, I mean that past self idiot is a faggot. Leaves everything up to me and does jack shit. Damn you past self. I work my ass off for you future self, so I hope you appreciate it. You are probably too busy regretting all the stuff I didn't do. Mainly grow up and approach that girl. Well I have confidence in you doing it future self. I cant really do that right now. Good luck with that, and all the best.

Why did I think I could act? Put my name down for a play, too late to back out, and I know I will just embarrass myself. Christ. See why I hate my past self? Does dumb crap like this, and leaves me to sort it out. Ah well, that girl is also in it so some conversation could come from it. Those brief chats I have with her are pretty much what I live for. And story twists like when you meet Andrew Ryan in Bioshock. Man that's an awesome game. Would you kindly replay it future self and refrain from brutally massacring the little sisters?

On a final note, Christopher Paolini is a horrible writer. But his books read like flash games, completely forgettable, pretty horrendous, but absolutely addicting.