Emotion by Numbers

I had an idea the other day. Basically I have 6 playlists numbered 0 to 5, each one representing a mood. My 5 playlist is filled with going out in the summer and sing along fun. 0 will throw me instantly into the depths of depression (I am not exagerating for this one, last time it took me 2 or 3 days to get over it when I listened.)
These lists will probably change over time, so just so you know what made a 5 to a 0 for me at this particular point in time I will put them up.

5:
The Black Box Relevation - I Think I Like You
The Peter Dolving Band - Ring around the sun
Rage Against The Machine - Sleep Now In The Fire
The Stompin' Souls - Into The Firing Line
The Black Box Relevation - Set Your Head On Fire
Fu Manchu - Ampn
Clutch - Subtle Hustle
Clutch - You Can't Stop Progress
The Caesars - Jerk It Out
The Stompin' Souls - Waiting For The Van
A Brand - Judas
dEUS - The Architect
Clutch - Cypress Grove
Dope - Sing
Fu Manchu - Squash That Fly
Pendulum - Fasten Your Seatbelt
Dr. Steel - Back and Forth
Rage Against The Machine - Kick Out The Jams
Leningrad - Москоу
Kylähullut - Kameratutkat, suoriksi mutkat

4:
Rage Against The Machine - Born As Ghosts
Asian Dub Foundation - Fortress Europe
Hardcore Superstar - Blood On Me
The Hellacopters - By the Grace of God
Soil - Pride
Kylähullut - Heta Hyttisen taskuparkki
Rage Against The Machine - Calm Like A Bomb
Soil - Breaking me down
Underschool Element - Real Stinky
Ensiferum - Guardians of Fate
Kylähullut - Kyllä saa Vanhastakin panettaa!
Clutch - The Mob Goes Wild
Diablo Swing Orchestra - Balrog Boogie
Diablo Swing Orchestra - Rag Doll Physics
Asian Dub Foundation - Flyover
Drowning Pool - Full Circle
Turisas - To Holmgard And Beyond
Rage Against The Machine - Pistol Grip Pump
Ensiferum - Into Battle
Clutch - The Great Outdoors!
Rage Against The Machine - Ashes In The Fall
Ensiferum - LAI LAI HEI
Hardcore Superstar - We Don't Celebrate Sundays
Rage Against The Machine - Guerrilla Radio
Underschool Element - Psalmatic

3:
Absynthe Minded - Acquired Taste
Machinae Supremacy - Rise
Pain - Save your prayers
Machinae Supremacy - Violator
Machinae Supremacy - Need For Steve
Static-X - Crash
Maylene & The Sons of Disaster - Memories of the Grove
Kultiration - Ur Jord
Turmion Kätilöt - Teurastaja
Absynthe Minded - Pretty horny flow
Soil - One
Eisbrecher - Adrenalin
Raised Fist - Disable Me
Raised Fist - sound of the republic
Machinae Supremacy - Overworld
Pain - Same old song
In Flames - Like You Better Dead
Raised Fist - The People Behind
Maylene & The Sons Of Disaster - Caution, Dangerous Curves Ahead
Raised Fist - killing it
Hardcore Superstar - Sensitive To The Light
Raised Fist - perfectly broken
Raised Fist - sunlight
Machinae Supremacy - Edge And Pearl
Absynthe Minded - It could be
Dark Tranquillity - The Sun Fired Blanks
Soil - Can You Heal Me
Mary Beats Jane - This Life
Rumplestitchkin - Far Out, Quickly Done
Raunchy - A Heavy Burden
Ghinzu - Do You Read Me ?
Pain - Psalms of extinction
Hardcore Superstar - Need No Company
Soil - Deny Me
Garmarna - Gamen
Pain - Nailed to the ground
Pain - Bye/Die
Absynthe Minded - Conversation strike error
Raised Fist - Message Beneath Contemp
Volbeat - The human instrument
Mary Beats Jane - Old
Pain - Zombie slam

2:
Underoath - There Could Be Nothing After This
In Flames - Dawn Of A New Day
Mary Beats Jane - Day in day out
Before you die... - Silverfish
Machinae Supremacy - Through the Looking Glass
Raised Fist - some of these times
Machinae Supremacy - I Know the Reaper
The Haunted - The fallout
Static-X - So
The Haunted - The reflection
Mary Beats Jane - Blackeye
In Flames - Disconnected
Machinae Supremacy - Ghost
Mary Beats Jane - Fall
The Haunted - The flood
Machinae Supremacy - Rogue World Asylum
In Flames - Versus Terminus
The Haunted - Iron Mask
In Flames - The Quiet Place
The Haunted - Skuld
Mary Beats Jane - Homecoming
In Flames - Trigger
The Haunted - The medication
The Haunted - Rivers Run
Mary Beats Jane - Pure
Before you die... - La Luna
In Flames - My Sweet Shadow
Soil - Unreal
People In Planes - Pretty Buildings

1:
In Flames - Discover Me Like Emptiness
Raised Fist - time will let you go, all alone, i break
In Flames - Sleepless Again
Dark Tranquillity - The Mind's Eye
In Flames - Alias
Gardenian - Selfproclaimed Messiah
Von Thronstahl - Dressed In Black Uniforms
Machinae Supremacy - Reanimator
In Flames - Satellites And Astronauts
In Flames - Metaphor
The Peter Dolving Band - All good things
In Flames - The Chosen Pessimist
Gardenian - Sonic Death Monkey
Long Distance Calling - Fire in the Mountain
Long Distance Calling - The Metulsky Curse
Long Distance Calling - Red Bug vs. Black Bird
Long Distance Calling - The Very Last Day
Long Distance Calling - Jungfernflug
Long Distance Calling - Fire in the Mountain
Long Distance Calling - Aurora
Long Distance Calling - Horizon
Long Distance Calling - The Very Last Day
Long Distance Calling - Built Without Hands
Long Distance Calling - Swallow the Water
In Flames - Your Bedtime Story Is Scaring Everyone

0
Passenger - In Reverse
Passenger - In my Head
Passenger - For You
Passenger - Just the Same
Passenger - Carnival Diaries
Passenger - Circus
Passenger - Rain
Passenger - Circles
Passenger - I die slowly
Passenger - Used
Passenger - Eyes of my Mind

For my future self. Be careful with the 0 list. Passenger are like a Pandora's Box, you think you know the worst case scenario until you open it. Even 1 can dangerously darken the sun.

My only friend

I suppose you are my only real friend. I can't bring myself to express a real opinion to anyone else. I can't say what I really feel around anyone else. Which is pretty damn sad. You are barely even real in many senses, being just a random visitor or my future self.
I need... Something at least. Gotta get out of here.

Back on that girl. I am not feeling the same addiction I used to. Which I know will pass soon. All it takes is two kind words towards me from a female for me to develop an unhealthy obsession with them. The only reason it takes two is that I am such a cynical and suspicious asshole that I get suspicious at one. Two pretty much confirms at least an interest in me for the sake of politeness.

Not so alone I suppose...

Seems others have problems similar, not quite in what they are but in how they need to fix it.
Some decent advice here.

And now I have an excellent excuse. The 21st Century may be a pinnacle of human technology, but it appears to be an emotional wasteland. Personally I would not know, but everyone loves nostalgia.

According to that article, this isn't helping. Or at least its initial purpose would not have helped me, but like so many other things of mine it has pretty much failed. Which for once, is almost a good thing it would seem. Now I only write here because you are the only person who listens, and it helps more than I imagined to get some of this stuff off my chest. Whoever you are.

Circles

Pacing around in circles,
Talking to himself
He could see, the beauty there
Talking to another one

She came, to see our city
She came, in the dead of the night
I tried to introduce him
But she got scared and ran away

I tried to introduce him
But he got scared and ran away

They came, thousands from far away
They came, a sunny day
I tried to introduce him
Now I'm talking to myself
I tried to introduce him
Now I am the one talking to myself

And I am left talking to myself again. Every time I try to introduce him, he runs away, or she does. He is a very frightening person, although at the same time very frightened. All he wants is the beauty there, talking to another one. She is just a visitor though, a foreigner to our wonderful grey stone city. Like my mind. I open it up to them, and they just scare him away. I have to be careful with these foreigners in our city. Me and Him don't generally like them.

You can help me!

I probably am obsessed. Or at least crazy. I can honestly not spend 5 minutes without thinking of that girl. It has gotten to the point that I feel I need to talk to her. Almost like an addiction, I need my fix. That is actually what it feels like. Probably not good.

Today I spent 5 and a half hours regretting a tiny mistake I made in talking to her two weeks ago. Here it is, just so you don't forget it future self.
"Hey, I should come into your work some time and be like, hey!"
"Yeah, SOMETHING NOT QUITE ABOUT THAT"
I said yeah in an almost dismissive way! Perhaps by letting a even a tiny bit of my true excitement at the prospect into my voice, it might have actually happened! Then that five and a half hours at work today would not have been spent with the stupid rotting feeling of regret eating me from the inside. I doubt it would have happened, but as I have said before, being optimistic is much more fun.

More incredible news. She almost planned a time for an IM talk! In a kind of round about way. Not even really at all. But it shows she does not consider these things that have sadly become the second greatest bits of my life (after real face to face talking) to be just polite forced conversation. Which is promising in a way I suppose.

Something else good, but I feel I almost ruined it: I was at the movies, AND I SAW HER THERE! After the movie admittedly, at McDonald's. But she saw me, AND came over. And we talked, which I loved, but I think I hid my absolute rapture at seeing her too much. Damn 'friends'. Cant show emotion round that lot. But still, she talked to ME! When she had other friends there! Amazing.

Ok, here what I am going to do this week.
Break: Stop sitting with my 'friends' that are most likely to stop me expressing my feelings. They have been assholes to everyone lately too, and it would seem to be for the best. A year ago I would not have considered it, but thank you Lord, I will do it.
Help: Help someone else out. Makes me feel less worthless. Especially if no one ever finds out it was me, so I can exaggerate its importance rather than people putting it into perspective for me. Then I can tell myself I have really made a positive difference in someone else's life, without being able to know for sure.
Express: Let that girl know even just a tiny bit how much she means to me. This is the hardest one. Obviously cant tell exactly how much she means to me, because that will most likely just freak her out. But just in some small way, let her know at least to a tiny extent my feelings. Even if it is just telling her how she is easily the most awesome girl at the school. Or the only girl I have talked to in years. Or the only girl I have ever even talked to this much. Or how she is the only thing ever on my mind, and my every waking moment (even in my dreams as well) I think of her, inventing conversations with her, imagining things we could do together, beating myself up over how I may never be able to tell her this, etc. I am a wreck.
Ok, that's my goal this week. 4 days. Break, Help, Express. Most importantly express. Please, God, help me express.

The World is a better place than I thought

I generally compain on this thing. One of my few talents. But for once I am going to be positive about something.

More proof on the pure awesomeness of Sweden, a very kind soul by the name of David Snusgrop has put me on his blog roll. WOAH huge news I know, but for a tiny little private thing it might actually start getting attention. I doubt it will hold attention, unless I get off my ass and start putting actual decent stuff up here, but its good to know. That guy is a legend, helping me to finally acquire some music from that God of musicians Peter Dolving a while ago. If he is reading this, thank you again. For everything. Especially the Peter Dolving Band (you can probably guess I love Dolving's music).

If you are one this thing because of that link, welcome. This is about as exciting as it gets, mostly crap (and I mean crap, like pointless and boring to the extreme) on my life but every now and then something of my personal philosophies. I do not blame you for clicking back right now.

If you are interested in that kind of stuff (being the one in a billion who would be), I suppose you could look at it as some kind of grand story. With no hero. Will he ever get the girl? I can think of the most likely answer.

For the Record

Yes. I do deliberately choose my 'now playing' songs to try and give subtle messages to that girl. I like to pretend her song choice is a kind of reply. Sometimes it almost makes sense, and an almost intelligible conversation occurs through song names. Or so I pretend. It is most likely a coincidence, but as I have said before, where is the fun in believing that? I like to think that the same thoughts go through her mind, but then I put my realistic cap on and think otherwise. Look at me. I am repulsive and gutless. There is no way that she could honestly have 'feelings' for me.
But, I am working on it. I hope.

Awesome Music and the little Pain

The danish band Raunchy is awesome, in case you forgot future self. Peter Dolving works his magic again on the Bring the War Home song 'Sing Cain'. "This is not a melody of backstreet brawls or piss drunks or bald teamsters kicking in their skulls. This...is the song...of Cain." He is amazing.
And, again in case you ever forget this, Belgium has an awesome music scene. Ghinzu, The Black Box Revelations, Absynthe Minded. All wonderful little pieces of independent rock. Diablo Swing Orchestra, Raintime, The Stomping Souls and Turmion Kätilöt are also incredible.

It hurts me so much when I invent 'excuses' for why I cant talk with that girl. Admittedly, they are probably legitimate. But nothing comes close to the enjoyment I get from any communication with her. At least I can build up the courage to start a conversation now within 5 minutes, reviewing what I will say only a couple of times and barely even pouring with sweat at all. That is honestly an improvement.

A slightly sad ending to an inexplicably good weekend.

Good Day

Today felt like beaches with friends. Do not know why, considering I was inside all day studying. Although I did acquire an automobile in a most pleasing transaction. And that girl talked to me again, admittedly through msn but it makes it so much easier for me. Especially when it comes to pretending I could ever be with her.

Damn new car, makes me smell like women.

A more enjoyable Sunday than I have had in a long time.

Well Theres Your Problem

I have been looking at all my failures as being caused by innate failings of myself. Recently I stopped and considered why these failures are in me, my social insecurity and horrendous fear of expressing myself. It is because I am afraid to be judged.

This seems to fit everything I complain about and more. Even my taste in music. I listen to such incredibly obscure bands because that lets me avoid judgement. No one can make generalizations about you (based on music choice) when they know nothing of the band you are listening to. I rarely give true opinions either. Or initiate conversations. Or choose to sit somewhere that could possibly lead someone to form an opinion of me.

It also explains the creation of my out of control proxy. And the way I start to sweat when someone looks at work that I have put real effort into. Which also happens when I show someone some of my music. Which I avoid a ridiculous amount.

So I have found the problem. I just need to fix it. But how? It needs more thought.

Anyway, this thing really does seem to be helping. You are better than a psychiatrist future self, especially as I am perfectly comfortable in expressing myself to you. You are the one person I know that wont try and force preconceived notions onto me or lump me into generic categories based on my actions.

Swedish Reggae?

Yeah, Swedish Reggae. More proof that if it is awesome, it's in Sweden. Where it gets made even awesomer by the Swedes, until such extreme levels of awesomeness are reached that awesomeness is actually sucked out of neighbouring countries. Sweden has actually taken 80% of the awesomeness from certain regions in eastern Europe (the ones with lower awesomeness retention factors), such as Latvia, Lithuania, Estonia, Belarus and Slovakia. Other regions are trying their best to retain their awesomeness, such as Poland (who's awesomeness is entirely maintained by Michal Marcinowski) and Germany (which relies upon its industrial music scene). Scandinavian countries naturally have high awesomeness retention factors, so they will be able to resist Sweden's black hole like suction of awesomeness for some time.

More on that girl. Seems if I am not failing, I am just plain out running from her. I sicken myself. Which is my problem. How can anyone ever accept me, when I don't even accept myself. The best they can do is accept that strange hollow shell that is me in public, like a cheap Chinese model of myself. That actually is it.

There is no point in even trying to 'get with' anyone, when it is not even me that they know. I am attracted (OK, obsessed in a completely unhealthy way) to someone, but they see that other me, the one that sickens even me. And if even I am sickened by him, how could I expect someone I respect not to be? What a hideous curse. I need a name for that other me, the one that has 'friends' and distances me from all that I enjoy. Perhaps I will call him my false proxy. He acts for me, but I don't want him to. I will kill him. Brutally. Annihilate this out of control creation, before he really fucks things up.

I think I made him. A form of armour for my soft, insecure and sensitive self. He is out of control. Like Frankenstein's monster, he holds me hostage. Perhaps through the creation of another he will leave? No, he must be killed. But how? He is far too powerful to take on single handed, and besides he has rooted in so deep I would tear myself apart removing him. Worse than a cancer.

This is an even worse level of responsibility dodging. Now its no longer my fault I am a weak gutless loser, oh no, its the other me. We are not related you see. I am the good me, he is the bad. It's that simple. I cant do anything wrong, I am perfect. Its the other me that is the loser, the broken one, the problem. No longer my fault. I cant do anything, that's just what happens. My failure is unavoidable.

I am disgusting.

Off to see the Wizard...

The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.
Because,
Because,
Because,
Because,
Because of the wonderful things he does.
He lives in Emerald city, but I just need to get that damn witch's broom.

• Brains X
  
• Nerve
• Heart
• Home

I have a Book

Yeah, I have a little blue notebook filled with, ummm, crap pretty much. But perhaps more illustrated than the crap on here. Perhaps I will scan it sometime future self and remind you of it. It is almost full. I wonder what happens when it is full?

Seems like I have gone a VERY long time without mentioning that girl. Which is really only like 1 or 2 weeks. Probably less. Yup, exactly one week. Damn. Perhaps I don't need the courage to approach her, more just the courage to be able to be true to myself and comfortable with that. I constantly asked for the courage, and it never seemed to get me anywhere. Perhaps this different approach is what I need.

Notice how it is not up to me to do. Oh no. It is what I ask for. How damn sad is that? There is no good word for it, something to describe patheticness, sadness and self-pity all at once.

The Scientist and the Rat, but one

I am:

• A moving lump of meat, programmed with the generic aims of survival and proliferation of my kind. Equipped with biological urges that ensure my every action are made with the sole purpose of achieving these goals, my existence, as such, has no real meaning or purpose. Like a leaf falling in a forest, it just happens.
• Simultaneously, an emotive Human. I love, anger, feel happiness and sadness, which at the same time I know to be the little voices telling me to survive and proliferate. Yet I feel this, and being Human I cant ignore them. To give up feeling would be to give up my humanity, and my hollow lies and artificial purposes that fill my 'life' are just too damn fun to give up.

My existence is meaningless and unnecessary. But it can get pretty amusing with some self constructed (yet equally pointless) purposes and some empty lies.
I live my life as a story. I lie to myself, to make it bearable.

Another old one

Death is inevitable, Why wait?
Whatever else I am, I am Human.
Bred to Survive and Reproduce,
I am not allowed to fail.

Which now only makes up half of that wonderful tint I see the world through these days.

Funny...

Funny how some things stick in the mind.

'So proud of you'