Me?

This 'blog' was always meant to be a place where I can express my 'true' self. I feel I am so many people, acting differently for everyone I am with. That is why I hate big groups and crowds. But who is my 'true' self? How is this me any more true than the me I am with 'friends'? If anything this me is less true, I have time to choose my words carefully, at best this is a judged representation of who I want to be. But at the same time the person I am around others makes me sick, I barely enjoy it. Am I better represented by this constructed image of who I wanted to be, or the instinctive and insecure retard I am around others? I have always thought that you are what they see. There is no point in being a really sensitive and caring person when all people see is you acting like an idiot. In that case I am pretty much what I hate. For someone who values honesty and truth so much I am a freak. I cant even be true to what I hope is myself. So if no one ever sees this 'true' me, I will have only ever been a loser. When a part of you hates another part, you know you have gone wrong somewhere.
I have always wondered what it would be like to meet myself. Anyone who could get along with themselves, I believe, is a truely honest and noble person. That would be the ultimate test of honesty, and, speaking plainly, I think I would fail dismally.