This crap does not even deserve a title

Well this place sure beats reality. Trying to deal with people annoys me a lot of the time. Not all the time, probably not most of the time either. But it sure gets depressing. Why do they have to be different? Other people suck.

Why do I even need people? Sometimes I wish I was a robot or something, emotions and all this crap can really drag on. Being human has its ups, but that built in urge for social contact can really annoy me sometimes. To be able to be content with being alone would rock. But unfortunately (sometimes) I am human, and have to deal with this. Which I do. But never as well as I would like.

Exciting News for my Avid Readers

The title is a lie. I have no exciting news, and my only reader is far from avid. At least I don't expect him to be when he/I arrives.

Again the girl, more complaining blah blah. Obsession can really get tiring. I have been thinking too, that anyone who 'knows' me who stumbles across this site will have no idea who this girl is (unless they are more perceptive than I expect) unless they read all up to the one post where she is named. So if you're looking through here for her name, it's a fair way back.

Been considering showing this thing to someone. Probably not that girl, because, well, the chances are that it will just creep her out. An incredible amount, to the extent that even eye contact becomes awkward. Which would probably be mostly on my part, socially insecure wimp (need a better word for that) that I am. Alternatively she would not be creeped out, for which I would instantly marry her. It is not something I really want to risk however (I never risk anything if you have noticed, generally making me worse off). Might show it to a 'friend'. There are only two people in the world I would trust with that. One is the best friend I have ever had, and knows more of this side of me than anyone. The other is just a naturally trustworthy guy, I hope. Could I handle the awkwardness?

More on the beautiful story thing. Remember that digiclipse site, future me? I had forgotten about it too until recently. It is really proof that stories are the best part of living. These people, despite logic, common sense, pretty much the entire world's opinion and actual observation really believe in digimon. Sad, yet at the same time, wonderful. These people create their own reality, which they may or may not seriously believe in, and it is a hundred times more beautiful to them than the one that laughs at their ridiculous ideas. Which is probably the best argument I have ever seen defending 20 year olds that believe that television characters will become real and visit them.

Lost?

I dont really know where to go from here. I am trying to create something by the way, but so much of my time just seems to be wasted. I honestly just feel lost. Dont know what to do about that girl, which means that I will most likely end up doing nothing. And losing. As usually happens.

I have been dreaming recently. That is a pretty big thing for me, I very rarely dream, so the ones I get I treasure. The ones I have had recently though could hardly be called dreams though. Mostly they just seem to be memories. So often now I have to think about something I remember to be sure it happened or not. Dissapointingly, the best things I remember never happened. Which sucks.

Ever noticed how wonderful this place can be with a different perspective? This world, just a bunch of seemingly random crap happening to each and every one of us, has no story, no real hidden beauty lying beneath the surface waiting for us to see it. But thats the best bit about being human. We make the stories, we create our beauty. Find the stories, and the world can be a beautiful place. I just never seem to be able to play my part in my stories. The ones from my perspective never have endings, neither happy or sad. Everyone elses stories seem better, although, as I said before, it is all a matter of perspective.

I need to play my role, make my story beautiful. Because a beautiful story is the best bit about being human.

I'm a bit all over the place at the moment, but I now have a favourite way of looking at things.

ypwtkwtm

ypwtkwtm. You Probably Want To Know What This Means. And now you do. And now you are here. And, coincidently, so am I. Or at least my past self was, and he ('I' really right now) is currently entertaining you. Please notice the date of this post, I have been waiting a long time, at least I was planning to, perhaps I haven't. Thats the problem with being a recording of your past self, you only get one shot and you cant go back. Well now you are here (I hope so, because I have no way of telling right now). This site has a whole bunch of stuff on me that I never had the guts to really say. Perhaps you are interested, perhaps not. If the latter, that is unfortunate, because it is really only through the former that you can find the next clue. If I end up putting in another clue. I am still unsure at this point where this is going. Maybe you already know, and are simply rechecking your steps. Maybe you have no idea what this is about, suggesting you found the site through another means. Which means you are either a random web traveller or that girlfriend I hope my future self gets around to getting who I have semi-promised myself to show this to. Most likely however, you are just my future self again. Sorry if I am making an idiot out of you.

Titles, not mentioning that girl and some yelling

I am suprised how happy I am with the title of this blog. When I first chose it I did not think I would be happy with it for so long, yet suprisingly it still manages to reflect the purpose of this blog. The same cant be said for the domain name, which was also the result of a Machinae Supremacy binge and has very little to do with the thing now. If I could change it, I would probably make it something to do with a pillow. As in when you scream into a pillow.

I am not going to mention that girl in this post, even you future self are probably bored of it and my constant whinging. At the same time you are probably incredibly pissed at me for letting it go. Pfft, thats your problem buddy, not mine. Although it seems past self has been a bit of an asshole too, I mean he seems to do nothing but fail, it's not all my fault. Obviously its up to me and you, future self, to fix that, but I am kind of busy at the moment and you seem to have heaps of time, so you can fix that up. Ok thanks.

I am intending to add something real soon (storywise), although I am not putting up anything I am not happy with. And I have only just realised how pointless this is (reassuring you that I am putting something up soon). NOBODY READS THIS THING EXCEPT YOU AND YOU ARE ME AND DONT CARE WHEN I AM ADDING SOMETHING NEW BECAUSE YOU HAVE ALREADY SEEN IT!. Sorry for yelling.

Me?

This 'blog' was always meant to be a place where I can express my 'true' self. I feel I am so many people, acting differently for everyone I am with. That is why I hate big groups and crowds. But who is my 'true' self? How is this me any more true than the me I am with 'friends'? If anything this me is less true, I have time to choose my words carefully, at best this is a judged representation of who I want to be. But at the same time the person I am around others makes me sick, I barely enjoy it. Am I better represented by this constructed image of who I wanted to be, or the instinctive and insecure retard I am around others? I have always thought that you are what they see. There is no point in being a really sensitive and caring person when all people see is you acting like an idiot. In that case I am pretty much what I hate. For someone who values honesty and truth so much I am a freak. I cant even be true to what I hope is myself. So if no one ever sees this 'true' me, I will have only ever been a loser. When a part of you hates another part, you know you have gone wrong somewhere.
I have always wondered what it would be like to meet myself. Anyone who could get along with themselves, I believe, is a truely honest and noble person. That would be the ultimate test of honesty, and, speaking plainly, I think I would fail dismally.

I have a Plan

Well if you were expecting more literary revelations, I am going to have to disappoint you. I am intending to add something soon, as soon as I get the time to actually write the thing. Anyway, about my plan.

I was thinking, this place is where I fully express myself. It is the best representation of the real me (or so I like to think, sometimes I feel I still censor some things on here). So, well, it would be kind of interesting to show it to someone who knows me, but preferably in such a way that I don't have to endure the whole awkwardness of knowing that they know kind of thing. Ideally it would be someone I wont be seeing again, at least, intentionally. The people I know now, well they're good people but not so much my type I feel (the exception is that girl, but that could be entirely due to my feelings on the matter). Ok, enough messing around, here it is.

I will leave this place, go somewhere else (in real life, not find another blog or anything). I want to, this place bores me and I feel I don't quite belong. It might be just me, but I have to know. So basically I leave, with no or little intention of coming back or keeping contact with the people I know. Then phase 2 kicks in.

As I part, not even telling them that I am leaving, I give each one the link to this site. That is all I leave them with. Most will probably ignore it, some may read it and not realise it is me, but the important thing is that they have an opportunity. If anyone does actually read it, and put it together, then I completely regret leaving them and would probably want to get back in contact. I don't really feel me leaving would be such a big deal to them all anyway. But if someone proves that they did actually care for me (that sounds wrong, obviously they all do, I cant quite explain) then they win. I keep in contact with them. I realise the plan makes me sound like an emo prick "Oh noes nobody cares nobody understands me whinge whinge maybe when i am gone they will care...blah blah blah", but I don't intend it that way. It is more, an experiment so to say. So if I actually do end up doing this, which I honestly doubt I will, and you are one of those people reading this, hi!. Leave a comment. I have been planning this for a long time (or will have been by the time you read this).

Anyway, back to the girl thing. Seems I cant post without one. Not actually surprising considering that is honestly all I think about. It cant be healthy. Just like in that awesome SOil song, I am obsessed. You have probably realised. More whinging on how I am too scared to talk (I should just give it an abbreviation to save me typing the same crap each time), and on to the developments. I suppose I could tentatively call her a friend at least (she probably wouldn't do the same back), but I can at least initiate conversation. When it seems reasonable to do so. Which is very rarely (INSERT WHINGE ON SOCIAL INSECURITY CRAP HERE). I can honestly say the highlight of each day is being with her, I look forward to the five minutes and the start and end of the day when we 'can' talk. At which point I have to include a very appropriate comic:

What a loser, I know. Damn I am sad.

This is what I write when nothing else comes to mind as to what I should actually write in this Title space

Well, again thanks to the G-Unit up there, things are going pretty well. A lot better than my pessimistic mind could hope. It is mighty unlikely that I get a girlfriend by the end of this year (is there some way maybe to make myself get of my ass and actually do something about my whole insecurity issue thing? I mean, I am sitting back and letting stuff slide through my fingers on so many levels, even though I know I will regret it later.) perhaps I may at least have something approaching my first real female friend. It is a start at least. Christ that is sad.

It honestly annoys me how much time I spend self pitying. I mean, come on. Go do something about it. Wait a minute. I am getting annoyed at myself for not doing anything, and telling myself to do something about it. Isn't that just prolonging the problem, relying upon myself to somehow react to my own requests. How many of me are there? It is up to me to do something, but I have no idea what to do. Perhaps just get some guts and take a risk. Nope, cant do that, too scared. Jeez. There's the part of me getting angry at the part of me that is too scared, even though both parts aren't doing anything at all. Is the angry part just waiting for the scared part to toughen up before it can actually do something? Damn. If only there was someway to temporarily disable this scared part, just to see what happens. If only there was some way that I actually stop complaining about social insecurities on a random web page and actually grow a spine and do something.

I both sicken and frustrate myself.

Well...

Hmmm, seems a lot stranger than I remember. While at the time I kind of semi believed it (in a very abstract way, I was very emotionally confused at the time), it makes almost no sense to me now. There is very little story in that, probably not the best thing to start my creation spree with (Yes OK, I was lazy and could not be bothered actually making something new at the time). It is a good experiment in evoking atmosphere however, which, not quite vital to a story, is one of the most important things in how one is presented.

Another interesting thing was that attempt I made at explaining my early deterministic views, which in fact was the premise of the story (what if this intricate order broke?). I had forgotten how long I had held those views. It is also interesting to note that even though I wasn't all that into the G-minster at the time (it happened at one of those periods where I literally had no hope for anything), I still imagined some kind of purpose to this order.

Well back to the old issue. You can probably guess what it is. You're probably suprised that I went three posts without mentioning it future self. That girl. Well last time we spoke I thought the most awesome thing ever was when she sat next to me that one time and awesomeness ensured. Well more awesomeness has happened, my excessively experience gifted self, and we had an AWESOME conversation!. On MsN. Which kind of killed it in a way, but the fact that she could put up with me for that hour or whatever is good news. I may not be the social leper I expect. Although that brings me to the down side. It was on Msn. Which sucks. Could I have done that face to face? I sure hope so. If I (which is coincidently the name of a show by Demetri Martin that was the subject of some conversation) can, I am a better person than I could have hoped.

Now, as I have explained, I am not the kind to take the credit for these developments. Thank You Big G. I honestly appreciate it. You are my best reader, before my future self even. My future self has never done anything for me. I mean, here I am, working my ass of for him and what has he done? Nothing. Dont use that breakdone of causality excuse with me buddy.

The Others

The Cold is not empty. I have seen beings that exist in the Cold, watching from the edges of our reality as one would peer into a fishbowl. Perhaps seen is the wrong word, for I certainly did not use my eyes. They watch me however, with the gaze of those who alrea...

And that is where I left it. I cant remember what I was going to put after that.

The Cold

As the order that runs our world falls around us, I begin to notice something else entirely. Perhaps it is brought by the Chaos, perhaps it is the Chaos itself, or maybe it has always existed, beyond my senses. It cannot be described in such a medium as mere language. It has no colour, no smell, no sound nor feeling, at least, not to the touch. It seems to exist underneath our world, or perhaps parrallel to it, so each are the same yet different. I cannot describe it, yet I know it is there. It grips my mind each time I feel it surface. I am left feeling Cold. So Cold. This is happening more and more, and I fear it may be affecting me permanently. I feel afraid. The simplest way to explain it would be as a parrallel reality existing on the same dimensions, yet invisible to all physical senses, but it is so much more as well. It seems to get larger, or perhaps stronger as time goes by. Can the blind notice it, as a grim darkness in their hearts telling of a dark future? For it seems obvious to me, this Cold will take us all. Am I alone? I fear the Cold and the Chaos are linked in some terrible way, yet the Cold has no effect on our reality. It only affects me. Could I be the cause of the Chaos, the Cold's grip on my mind causing me to start chains of events that never should have happened? I am afraid.
















Find Me. Save Me. Save Yourself.

The Chaos

For those who are too blind as to see, a change begins to occurr. The pattern is starting to break. In a world controlled by order, a giant machine of incredible intricacy, where each event is based on the outcomes of the last, hints of chaos begin to shine through. To most of the unfortunate, the world is chaos, each new day a plethora of possibilties. They are too blind to see there is but one. How can this be, cry the blind and the picture begins to clear. Follow the cause of each event that occurs, an you will see it depends on another, which is a result of another, an so on till it reaches the dawn. Each choice and decision a man makes, is due to a constant combination of genes and past experiences. Follow closely enough and you will see, there is only one possible way this world can go, choice is an illusion and and we are all trapped following a predetermined sequence of events. When the realization begins to dawn on you, a question will begin to form in your mind. How do you know what is meant to happen and what is not? Should you do an act only because you wish to act out of the order, that too is a result of this message which is an inevitable outcome of that unchangable chain of events which the blind in their multitides call the past. No matter what you do, you cannot act out of the order. Which leads me to my point, now you understand the order, and watch it play past with the intricate perfection and exactness of a clock, perhaps even see glimpses of the end, the final glorious goal this world moves inevitably toward, can you see the hints of disruption that begin to appear? For I do, and I deeply fear for our world should the order collapse. There are few who see this clearly, yet to me it appears as a dark horizon hinting of terrible things to come. Seek out the cause of the chaos that disrupts the inevitable machine that is this world, and join us, the enlightened, in the preservation of the order.










Prevent the Chaos
Seek me out, you will know when you find me. I cannot stop the spread of disruption lone.

Another Change

This place has been a recording of sorts. Nothing new, just storage of things that have already happened. Well I have been thinking lately. And my thoughts have been a lot more emotional than they usually are. As I mentioned before, I love stories. I had to write on some application thing my dreams and aspirations. And I wrote that I wanted to create things that bring joy to people (which would include stories). At the time I thought it was just some crap to make me seem more earnest, but damn it, I think I honestly do.

From looking around, this place seems to be missing something. Something that I can only find in stories. Its peoples little fantasies that make this place worth it, the little worlds they invent for themselves. This is what I want to do. I want to make these worlds, make these stories that make this place better.

Well this kind of thinking is probably a direct result of that girl. Which I had an awesome conversation with the other day. Admittedly it was on MsN (I doubt I could have kept her interest that long face to face), but still. I loved it. Most enjoyable thing I have done in years. And she may never know.

Anyway. I feel I should use this thing to create as well, not just record. So to begin that I am putting up something I did a long time ago. It may not make much sense, but it pretty accurately describes how I felt at the time (admittedly a bit overdramatised).