What I feel:

For the past few years, I have not felt much. My most passionate emotion was annoyance. No feelings of joy or love, but at the same time the worst I felt was just a dredging boredom. That has changed. I feel more now. I actually get cold, I feel rejected, I feel happy, I feel that funny warmth of inclusion, I feel that incredible stabbing pain after making a fool of myself. I am in love (sounds so damn cheesy but is there any other way of putting it?). Although most the time I only feel the associated pains. Half of it is me being so annoyed at myself and my inadequacies. In the words of the great vocalist, lyricist and semi deity Anders Friden 'I feel like shit; But at least I feel something'. I feel pretty crap most the time now, but I actually prefer it to the numbness of before. And those brief moments of actual happiness make it all worth it. Like that time that I sat next to her and she drew a robot and it was awesome. Can those kind of things last? Like could it actually be possible to have those kind of experiences almost everyday without the magic going?

Does anyone else think like this? I feel I am the only one, although I am not in the best position to judge. Nobody ever tells me these kind of things, and I never tell anyone these things. Its a little arrangement I have going on with everyone. Although if there should be one day, one glorious day, when I meet someone who I could actually talk to like this, I would be ecstatic. It really gets draining, having to act a different way for everyone, talk differently to everyone, like I am forcing myself into corset of conformity. You probably don't get quite what I mean there, unless its you again future self, who I can say without doubt knows exactly what it means.