I am going to have to come up with better Titles

Well more stuff that is probably incredibly interesting to all of you. And by all of you I mean you, who is most likely me. I was just thinking today on some stuff, and unpredictably my mind turned to that girl again. Who would have thought? Perhaps my feelings of attraction toward someone is an exact replicate of their feelings towards me? That would explain my slight 'cooling' on that girl. If this was true I would honestly kick myself so much. That would mean that she is actually attracted to me! Which would be a second. In my entire life. Which is kind of sad, but so is most of it. Wait, no that would not work at all. I have had sudden random attractions to people before. Admittedly nowhere near like now, but still. All it takes is for a girl to say a nice word for me and BAM they're at the top of my books. Which is incredibly sad. I would say I need to go out more, but that doesn't help at all.

Ahhh. If it turned out that she is/was attracted to me, I honestly don't know what I would do. Even if I knew it for sure, I doubt I would actually even do anything. Which makes me sick on the inside, and almost makes me vomit when I realise that I could lose her, all because of that. Although, the chances are slim, microscopic. To her I am nothing but a slightly odd casual acquaintance. Not even a real friend. I wont let myself become a friend (I disgust even myself with that). Would anyone even want me for one, let alone be attracted to me? Does this even make sense? I just feel so out of things, as if everyone else is in on something I missed. Everyone else has their own little games, little signs and hidden messages, that go completely over my head. Like a blind man in a china shop I only make things worse for myself when I try. Goddamn it. To requote that almost Godlike man Anders Friden, 'I feel like shit, but at least I feel something'. I remind myself of that every time I feel down. That probably isn't good. I get some kind of sick thrill out of any emotion, even pain. Is there anyone else like me?