I am going to have to come up with better Titles

Well more stuff that is probably incredibly interesting to all of you. And by all of you I mean you, who is most likely me. I was just thinking today on some stuff, and unpredictably my mind turned to that girl again. Who would have thought? Perhaps my feelings of attraction toward someone is an exact replicate of their feelings towards me? That would explain my slight 'cooling' on that girl. If this was true I would honestly kick myself so much. That would mean that she is actually attracted to me! Which would be a second. In my entire life. Which is kind of sad, but so is most of it. Wait, no that would not work at all. I have had sudden random attractions to people before. Admittedly nowhere near like now, but still. All it takes is for a girl to say a nice word for me and BAM they're at the top of my books. Which is incredibly sad. I would say I need to go out more, but that doesn't help at all.

Ahhh. If it turned out that she is/was attracted to me, I honestly don't know what I would do. Even if I knew it for sure, I doubt I would actually even do anything. Which makes me sick on the inside, and almost makes me vomit when I realise that I could lose her, all because of that. Although, the chances are slim, microscopic. To her I am nothing but a slightly odd casual acquaintance. Not even a real friend. I wont let myself become a friend (I disgust even myself with that). Would anyone even want me for one, let alone be attracted to me? Does this even make sense? I just feel so out of things, as if everyone else is in on something I missed. Everyone else has their own little games, little signs and hidden messages, that go completely over my head. Like a blind man in a china shop I only make things worse for myself when I try. Goddamn it. To requote that almost Godlike man Anders Friden, 'I feel like shit, but at least I feel something'. I remind myself of that every time I feel down. That probably isn't good. I get some kind of sick thrill out of any emotion, even pain. Is there anyone else like me?

Confessions

This blog is a place for me to talk about things that I am too nervous or self conscious to talk about with my 'friends'. So that means it is time to make a few confessions.
I like poetry (generally that found in lyrics though).
I love a good story. This is something I love above almost anything. The most beautiful thing in anything, a game, a photo, a movie, a song is the story behind it.
I read books. Yes, ya chitao (Russian for I read). The most beautiful stories are in books, most likely because the author has a lot more control over the finished product to develop something exactly as they envision it. The Lord of the Rings is probably my favourite story ever, the whole atmosphere, lore and history behind and the general depth that fills the book is just amazing.
I enjoy single player games more than multiplayer. Again because of the story. Favourite game ever would have to be System Shock 2. It had an awesome atmosphere, storyline and told the story in one of the most effective ways I have yet seen. Although half life rates up there pretty high as well.

Well that was worthwhile. Sometimes I wonder if I write this thing to simply give a perception of myself that is much easier to control rather than to simply truly express myself. Although, if all I do is construct images of myself, and that is all that anyone sees, that is all I am. In terms of a hidden personality, if no one sees it it might as well not exist, and to everyone else it doesn't.

On another note however, does anyone else have conversations with themselves? I mean, not quite with themselves as in a discussion with themselves, rather imagining conversations before they happen. It is a habit of mine, and at best it is a harmless distraction for my wandering mind, and at worst it is the first sign of madness. It kind of annoys me, although being mad would have its benefits. The slightly skewed viewpoint would lead to some interesting actions on my behalf.

Edit: Nope, not mad. Plato wrote all of his best ideas as dialogues, something I should have realized before, and I just read something else about someone else evaluating ideas through internal arguments. That is good to know and kind of disappointing at the same time.

What I feel:

For the past few years, I have not felt much. My most passionate emotion was annoyance. No feelings of joy or love, but at the same time the worst I felt was just a dredging boredom. That has changed. I feel more now. I actually get cold, I feel rejected, I feel happy, I feel that funny warmth of inclusion, I feel that incredible stabbing pain after making a fool of myself. I am in love (sounds so damn cheesy but is there any other way of putting it?). Although most the time I only feel the associated pains. Half of it is me being so annoyed at myself and my inadequacies. In the words of the great vocalist, lyricist and semi deity Anders Friden 'I feel like shit; But at least I feel something'. I feel pretty crap most the time now, but I actually prefer it to the numbness of before. And those brief moments of actual happiness make it all worth it. Like that time that I sat next to her and she drew a robot and it was awesome. Can those kind of things last? Like could it actually be possible to have those kind of experiences almost everyday without the magic going?

Does anyone else think like this? I feel I am the only one, although I am not in the best position to judge. Nobody ever tells me these kind of things, and I never tell anyone these things. Its a little arrangement I have going on with everyone. Although if there should be one day, one glorious day, when I meet someone who I could actually talk to like this, I would be ecstatic. It really gets draining, having to act a different way for everyone, talk differently to everyone, like I am forcing myself into corset of conformity. You probably don't get quite what I mean there, unless its you again future self, who I can say without doubt knows exactly what it means.

Breaking News

Ok, I don't really have much news, and the little news I have is not breaking. I lied. Well, it is time again for me to forcibly vomit my opinions into the world in a literary fashion. Still kinda into that girl. Still disgusted at my own gutlessness. I promised my self I would actually begin a conversation on msn today with her. Well the good news is I made the attempt, which surprised even me. The bad news is that I am so socially inept my words dripped with awkwardness, killing it ridiculously fast. Go Go Gadget Social Suicide. Wait no, that kicks in automatically. Damn it. Perhaps my whole mindset is wrong. Well I can say fairly confidently that it only came on after the failure, before it I had myself pumped up on my own special brand of confidence (specifically lying to myself until I am almost convinced I have a chance).

Ahhh, social ineptitude. My only super power. I need help, badly. I need something at least. I need to get out of here. Ahh well, perhaps romance isn't all its cracked up to be. Allow me to consider for a moment my entire life without it (no effort is needed for the first 17 years so far).

Go to university. Make a couple of friends, which leads to awkward moments as they discuss their experiences with women.
Get a moderately successful job, allowing me to live alone.
Slowly lose my friends one by one as they grow families like time consuming gardens.
Achieve moderate success in my workplace, which has become my only place for social interaction. My social contact is limited to polite small talk in elevators.
Become more and more cynical to the world, because it has done almost nothing for me. It is also at this point that I will lose my sense of humour, and develop a hatred for teenagers. Especially the happy ones.
Due to my loss of almost all social contact, all social skills I have developed begin to leave me, leading to even the superficial small talk that is the highlight of each day for me becoming another moment of embarrassment as I fail to conform to the social norms necessary for pleasant interaction (these norms include eye contact, coherent sentences and the ability to ask appropriate questions).
Eventually after retiring the Internet becomes my home, with nothing else to do I eventually die in front of a computer screen. After a few months the postman notices the uncollected post piling up and considers taking action. He does not. After a number of years a property developer looking to buy the house realises that by all accounts there should be someone living in this seemingly abandoned dwelling. After a number of inquiries the police are summoned, only to find my long forgotten skeleton still in front of the computer screen saver.

Hmm, there is little that entices me in that style of life. Seems like it is women or suicide really. Oh, if your reading this, I am not actually going to commit suicide if I don't get a girlfriend. Those are just the only two options in avoiding the over exaggerated prediction above. Although you probably already knew that future self.

Ahhhh. Please God? I need a girlfriend. While I am at it, might as well make it a perfect girlfriend, a perfect companion for me in every way.

It is kind of funny the pain that comes from humanity's innate desire to reproduce. Is it even all that I imagine it to be?

An Idea

Everybody ends up googling their names. It is unavoidable. Which gives me an interesting idea. When I was a little boy I had some little friends, who no doubt use the interwebz. I haven't talked to them for years, let alone think about them. But I wonder if they would remember me if they came across their names in this blog? I highly doubt it, probably just get kind of freaked out. But its worth a shot. Hello Mitchell Moir from Brisbane. I remember you, and that bananas in pajamas doll covered in mashed banana that we fed to ants. Keagen ( I don't even remember your last name) from Brisbane. You were probably my best friend back then, and you always had awesome stuff. Ahhh, good times with Duke Nukem. Cory Donaldson from Brisbane. You were more of an acquaintance, but I remember your name because we had the same initials, entitling us to sit around and listen to CDs all day (get it?), while people like Mitchell (MM) had to eat MMs and probably get fat and have a heart attack or something. Tina Cowling from Brisbane. I think you came to my house once. Cant remember why. You always used to be the Witch in the games we played. For some reason all I remember of you is you running from the toilets into a big wall and making a lot of noise. Cluny something or other. I think that's your name. I went to your house once, although why I don't know. That's all I remember of you, someone I spent 4 years of my life among. If i go back even further I can remember Domonic some European kid from pre-school. And Nicky! Ahh, I loved you Nicky. You had a car bed, which made you awesome. James! I had a friend called James! He was a real good friend too. Alex Fairing from Brisbane. I remember you. You had GI Joes and one time at your birthday we stayed up to 3 burning army men on your light bulb. Ahh, good times. And Alex Scott (or something). The tiny pale red headed well travelled kid, who could draw awesome dinosaurs and always enjoyed pretending to be dinosaurs with me in year 3. You know, you were one of the kids I missed most when I moved, even though I never knew you that well. Wow. I remember a heap more than I thought. Well that's going to last a while.

More Cra-things...

Instead of an untraceable collection of knowledge that could not be directly related to me this blog has become more of a collection of the crap in my mind. Not the worthwhile things either, just random stuff that is hardly worth reading. Like the hat thing. Why? Unfortunately, as this is meant to be representative of myself at that moment in time, I cant allow the present version of myself to go about censoring my past self. Then the thing would only show what my present self was happy with, which kind of defies its new purpose.

Anyway, back to the stuff currently on my mind. That girl again. Why am I so goddam insecure and confidence lacking? It honestly annoys me, but I am too scared to actually change. I will see her on MSN, and want to talk to her. So badly. But I am too, I don't even know if scared is the right word, but I just feel I cant. Which is why seeing others do it annoys me, that little bit inside me goes 'You cant do that'. You probably want to hit me right now future self. Well you cant, and no matter how bad you feel now I know nothing of it, so I will keep doing things that are likely to cause you harm. Ha. Any way. I am promising myself (although my promises to myself are generally just things I do if I feel like it, not because I promised) to show my girl friend this site. When I get one. And only if she is that cool. Which she should be if she is my girlfriend. My god I sound sad. So if you are reading this right now future girlfriend of my future self (which I doubt, trust me, I know my future self pretty well, kind off, and I doubt it. 17 years of failure don't really fill me with confidence) I hope you are cool with all this. Please. Understand it. This is me, the real me I suppose or as close as you can get to it. So hmmmm. Yeah. Your probably kicking yourself future self. Either your trying to find an excuse to stop my future girlfriend reading this or (more likely) you're thinking that your past self was just a little over hopeful. If you are neither my future self or my future self's (possible) girlfriend, welcome. Get used to all this crazy stuff. This is my thing. Unless you comment. Then I will get a lot more self conscious and put a heap more effort into these posts.

W00T A Hat

On another note entirely, and only the tiniest bit late, it was my birthday a few days ago. I bought myself (because my 'friends' didn't actually get me anything, although like 2 gave me some cash) a GDR OFFICER HAT. It may not sound awesome to you, future self, but I would like to remind you that at the time I was pretty chuffed. A REAL EAST GERMAN OFFICER HAT! Not really real, but it still looks cool. Now I can look even more strange as I go to get pizza. By the way, whoever said Swedish was an unmusical and hideous language, yes I am looking at you Robert Stjärnström (who I am pretty sure said it) was wrong. Finntroll are probably not the best example of musical Swedish, but Garmarna certainly are. Makes me want to learn Swedish, although all music makes me want to learn the language it is sung in. The pure awesomeness of Sweden as a country also makes me want to learn it.

Religion

Seeing as this thing is now a message to my future self, I might as well get my current opinions on things out there.

Do I believe in God? Sometimes. While I think about things analytically, and can only logically arrive at my deterministic view of the world (see here), I still imagine talking to god. Mostly asking for stuff. I wouldn't call it worship at a all, more of something to do as an alternative to actually thinking of strategies to achieve something. So as you can expect most of it is asking for a girl-friend. The thing is, I actually expect something to happen, in a maybe, maybe not kind of way. This expectation is all because of an incident involving (yup, you guessed it) a girl, way back in grade 7. You probably remember that. If you don't, it was just a series of coincidences so unlikely and ultimately beneficial to me that I could not imagine any other possibility than it being all arranged. While I seriously considered altruistic teachers and even the girl herself, a divine being seemed the answer. While, no I did not get with the girl (because I was too scared and insecure, big surprise) the incident did foster a view in me that everything has a purpose. My deterministic view of things actually helps this, because if there is only one way things can play out, there must be something special in the way things has (if there is a divine being who actually cares about anything). Ultimately it all leads to a feeling that I must eventually achieve something significant or something significant will happen to me, as I am here. It is kind of hard to explain. Some days I don't even believe other people exist. Is this all some kind of test for me, or a giant experiment?

Anyway, back on to religion. I reckon God is a pretty cool guy, who's working on getting me (rather has set things out for me) to get the girl-friend in the future. Cant quite explain that one. The loss before where I can so close but lost due to my insecurity (the grade 7 incident, see above) I see as more preparation. If you ask for strength from God, he does not give you strength, rather an opportunity to show it (a nice saying I heard somewhere, cant remember where, probably some book). So if I want to be more confident and stronger, I don't suddenly get strength and confidence (this is physically impossible anyway, without relying on 'magic'), I get opportunities to show strength and confidence. In all of these I have failed. So far I am either up to my second or third big opportunity (with you know who, begins with S), and I have a firm belief third times the charm. So if it is the third I will finally overcome my insecurity. If not I will learn a very valuable lesson the hard way.

Wow. For such an analytical person, I believe a lot of completely baseless speculation (or crap).

Purpose?

When I began this blog it was more as an experiment to see if others shared my views, and what reactions my private thoughts would produce in total strangers. As time has gone on I realise this is not a particularly efficient way of doing this. Still, writing down my thoughts seems to do me some good. So rather than writing to an unknown audience of like minded souls, this now is written to my future self, who will at some point come back to here to discover my younger self. Unless I forget, or have something better to do with my time than past self rediscovery (such as perhaps a girl-friend, hint hint God).

So...Future self. How are things going? Post your opinions on things so I can see how my opinions on my own thoughts change over time as well. The trouble with that is that unfortunately I have many opinions on things, some of which contradict each other. I have all of these opinions simultaneously, so my mood will ultimately affect the opinions I am prepared to voice.

Anyway. I was thinking, what would my future self like to know? One thing I feel defines a person is their taste in music (which is mostly untrue), so here goes.

Right now my favourite band would have to be The Peter Dolving Band. The man is a genius. I love his voice. I thought his singing on The Dead Eye (The Haunted, 2006) was special. Then I heard Mary Beats Jane (which was almost impossible to find, but some out there still have electronic copies of the album I could acquire) and fell in love with that. The Peter Dolving band is obviously much more influenced by him, and I love it. His lyrics are excellent and meaningful, and he actually believes what he sings. Really looking forward to his Bring the War Home work, due to come out soon. In fact, to even find tracks from the Peter Dolving Band I had to rely upon the generosity of an internet stranger from Sweden, who to my great surprise helped me out. I don't have complete albums, but at least I have something. If you have lost this music, future self, SHAME ON YOU! I would not be surprised if you never find this music again.

Anyway, other good bands are Machinae Supremacy (which inspired the name to this blog in case you forgot) In Flames (which I doubt you'd forget), Hardcore Superstar, Volbeat, Underschool Element, Garmana, Devil in the Kitchen, Pain, Turisas, Ensiferum, The 69 Eyes, Clutch, Fu Manchu, Disarmonia Mundi, Dope Stars Inc., Engel (with the godlike guitarist Niklas Engelin), Gardenian, THE HAUNTED (WHICH I CANT BELIEVE I LEFT TILL NOW), Mary Beats Jane (Same goes for this), Leningrad, Passenger (which was also difficult to find), Static-X, Soil, Zombie Girl. There we go. The main point of this music bit was to express my joy in finally finding The Peter Dolving Band music, and you are reading this David (and you are probably not), thank you again.