3 Visitors

If you remember, before I said there had been another visitor to this site, which was most likely a bot or whatever. That made a whole 2 visitors, and everyday I checked, this had stayed the same. Amazingly though, after checking yesterday, there were now 3 visitors. One was from where I am from, another was from some random spot in the states, and the third was from...Melbourne. This new visitor had also visited the site more times than I had. I strongly suspect this third visitor to be just the IP server things screwing up and thinking I'm from two different places, but there is always a chance. Comment please.

Anyway, biggest coincidence happened earlier. I went to this 'blog', noticed with suprise and astonishment the lack of comments. Then I noticed that russian art blog I linked had been recently updated (the guys a genious, and I bet he's hilarious too. I dont even know what he's saying, but I bet its funny). So visiting it, I noticed that on his latest post he had put a song. And the name of that song was...Stephanie Blues. I swear it is related in someway, and its not just my desperate mind eagerly searching for patterns everywhere jumping on the closest availible 'evidence'. Trust me.

Different things

Usually I write after thinking a bit. I have been relaxed for a while and listening to sombre and reflective music if listening at all. Right now though I listening to the Californian stoner rock tunes of Fu Manchu and loving it. I'm in an excellent mood for some reason, which is pretty unusual while I'm alone. Generally when this happens I'd just chill on my bed and look at random crap on the net while procrastinating on assignments, but not today. This entire post has been composed while head banging.

No real news. Stuff has kept happening. Still into that girl. I can fairly safely say that I'm pretty into her. When everything I think of gets brought back somehow to her, when I am constantly imagining conversations with her, when I get home dancing after a decent talk with her, I think I can say I'm attracted. Does it show? Can the other people around me tell I'm attracted? I would think so, but I don't think anyone pays enough attention to me to notice. I mean, my typical conversation with a girl will hit either an awkward silence or be brought to a grinding halt with some iron door words (also known as conversation killers, a little skill of mine). I will actually call across the class to her, after she calls to me (cant make my attraction too obvious). Actually that brings up a point. I think I am killing it with my debilitating (fun word) fear of expressing feelings. I won't go talk to her at lunch, oh no, that would not be 'me'. Yes it would. I want to, so that is therefore me. Damn social conditions. I want to yell it out, ignore my 'friends', do nothing but be with her, but I can't. I am too scared. Story of my life pretty much, I'll look back on this in a years time and want to travel through time and beat myself to a bloody pulp, but even though I know I will regret it, I still won't. Of course it is up to me to change this. Goddamn it. I'll keep looking for an easier way, but I've done this before. There isn't one.

Of topic, but how often does someone get interrupted by their brother asking for a mattress? Cant be a regular occurrence.

Again with the questions. Does this interest you? Its kind of pointless, considering you don't exist, but anyway.

Ahh well. Things are still looking good, got a whole 6 months to sort out my girl issues, but I can guarantee that I will look back then and regret this now. And I still wont change. Goddamn it I'm a wimp.

Now another question for my imaginary readers, who are of course sensitive, understanding and completely awesome. I'm off to Europe over Christmas, where should I go? Just comment below or email me. I eagerly await some response. Any response. Oh God.

More incredibly exciting news for my avid readers

I know you all wait with baited breath for each of my posts, so I don't want to disappoint you by going too long without posting.

Turns out this kind of stuff is good for me, writing down my feelings that is. Which is good, I suppose. Anyway, news. I am still learning Russian, with plans to learn German soon. After that I might just touch up on my french (OK, pretty much learn the language) then I will truly be a quad-lingual fighting machine. Except I don't fight and I'm not a machine.

Pretty exciting isn't it? Some of the most mundane facts of my life lain out before you. Surprised I haven't been approached with movie scripts. Anyway.

That girl again. Its kind of sad, but she's the only girl I have actually talked to for at least, hmm, 3, 4 years. And even back then my conversations were mostly 5 minute things. I suppose that's my insecure and overly analytical ways for you though. God it makes things easier when you have stuff to blame it on. Anyway. Its even more sad, but my relationship with her at the moment (by relationship I mean 15 minutes of conversation before and after school on a good day) is actually the best I've had with any girl. What is really sad though, and I mean so sad I could almost cry about it (but I'm a man and men don't cry), is that I can practically guarantee that any attempts by me to take the relationship further will fail. You might think, 'Well of course they will if you have that attitude', but you would be wrong. Look at my past performances. Once, years ago, I had the chance to ask a girl out. I liked her, she liked me, everyone knew. I didn't. I was too, scared probably isn't the right word, but it comes close. The worst bit is probably how I try way too hard to conform to expectations. I am so unsure in social situations, I have never, I mean never, done anything to express even the slightest bit of attraction or otherwise. It sickens me. I choose the familiarity of walking with my 'friends' over the deep primal enjoyment I get from walking with this girl. It is really ridiculous.
Anyway, that's about enough whinging for today. Do you actually care about this?

Ahh well. How have you been? Yeah, you, reading my post. Wow! That's fantastic! Really! And now your going out? Well that's just grand, glad someone has had success. Even if they don't even exist. Wait, maybe if thanks to some divine intervention (I had some suspicions with that last girl, there were some humongous coincidences that led only to my gain) I actually do end up with 'that' girl (saying the name seems way to awkward still) I can read over this and those imagined replies would be real. YAY!

On another note, my posts are behemoth. Just realised that. This one is pretty big, but that last one is gargantuan to the extreme. It is longer than some of my assignments. Does anyone know how to do that thing other blogs do where only the first bit is shown, and the rest is revealed after clicking? With all my readers out there, one of you is bound to know.

A Little Theory of Mine...

Well Google finally finds the place now, although I think it may have been finding it before (the problem seems to have been my search words). Stage 1 of my plans, which are almost a search in themselves, is complete. The line is cast.

Anyway, do you (again with my non-existent readers) believe in true randomness? Not random like the throwing of a die, if you were to know enough of the initial factors (throw speed, height, air density, gravity, exact shape of die including scratches etc) a dice throw could be perfectly predicted. Random as in a result that is completely unrelated to any factors, including, most importantly, time. If such true randomness exists, if you were to 'rewind' the universe, take everything back to the big bang, then 'play' it again, the universe would play out differently (odd how I think of it in terms of VCR controls). So if you went back in time, due to some truly random occurrences, no matter how small (look up the butterfly effect), the present and future would change. Its kind of hard to get the idea across. Imagine a complicated set of instructions for say, a ridiculously complicated souffle. Make the souffle once, and it works. When you go back to remake the souffle, one of the instructions changes randomly, leading to a different souffle at the end. Instead of a souffle though, this is the entire timeline of the universe. So where we are now, with our world, you at your computer, can be seen as the finished souffle. By restarting the universe from the exact same initial conditions, or 'rewinding' it back to the start it would be almost impossible to have the same result, or souffle. Unimaginable amounts of these 'truly' random events would occur, leading to a different souffle, or a different present time. The present time could be radically different or only slightly different depending on the severity of the effects of these 'random' events. Such an idea seems counter intuitive. Indeed, if it makes you feel more comfortable, nothing has been shown to be truly random, everything is dependent upon initial conditions. The only possible exception is quantum theory, which is still not entirely understood (and there is no confirmable proof that it is truly random as of yet). The issues with this belief is that it makes time travel completely impossible, as the mere act of traveling in time would change the present and the future and most likely preventing the time traveller from leaving in the first case. This belief does allow 'free' will to truly exist, as the future is not set in stone in this view.

Imagine the universe as a souffle

Imagine then that nothing is truly random. By 'rewinding' time and replaying it the same final results occur. This would seem more logical. If you repeat something exactly, you should get the same results (note when I say exactly I mean exactly, down to the location and properties of every single involved atom and sub atomic particle). So therefore, there is no alternative way of things happening. This is also hard to explain. The universe began with a set of initial conditions (how these initial conditions are set I will leave to you, it makes a useful spot to pop a deity in though). From this set of initial conditions there is only one solution, or result. So where we are now, where you are, is the only place you could be at this time. You could not be doing else apart from reading this, you could not be anywhere else. Of course your decisions have an effect, and I'm not saying you have no choice in the matter. It is just that you could not have made any other decisions or choices apart from those you made to get here. You do have free will, your decisions just could not have been anything different. In a way this view of things is comforting. Right from the beginning of the universe, you were 'meant' to be reading this. From the moment the universe began, there was no other place you could be. As I mentioned before, a deity fits in nicely here, as such a supreme and all powerful being would have ultimate power over our lives simply by setting the beginning conditions. The ideas of fate and destiny can also tie in with this view. Alternatively the initial conditions could themselves be the results of previous events, going back infinity without having a 'real' beginning. That is the problem with a world without randomness, everything is dependent on what happened before, making a true beginning impossible. It also means that the future is set in stone. What will happen will happen, and cannot happen any other way. If you fall off your chair, you had no 'real' way to avoid it.

Since the dawn of time, there has been no way of avoiding falling off your chair

So now what do you think of randomness? If you accept it exists, the future is not yet set, anything is theoretically possible (quite literally when dealing with 'true' randomness). If you believe that all times are set in stone, that 'rewinding' the universe will not affect the present, and discount 'true' randomness, than there is no other possibly set of events that could occur. Just something to think about.

Edit: After more investigation in different places, seems this idea is more widespread than I thought. It is called scientific determinism. The method I used to arrive at this conclusion however makes a firm assumption in time being constant at all places (allowing it to be 'rewound' so to speak and still being able to end up with the same result), which it is not. My other argument for this, that from a given action there can only be one result (so if an experiment is repeated perfectly the same result will be given each time), may also prove to be untrue (damn quantum theory), which I will explore more. Still, if you accept that 'restarting' the universe from the begining (exactly as it was) will end up with our current world each time, this remains the only logical conclusion.

Can You Hear Me?

Google refuses to find this place, and the only other visitor that has found it has been the one I mentioned previously. This 'blog' (I really hate that word, it just sounds ugly) is kind of like a silent scream, similar to yelling my frustrations into a pillow. Except instead of a pillow it's the internet, and instead of yelling I'm typing.

Anyway, I suppose I'll start putting news up here, at least news if you knew me, which none of you do.Something a bit more positive than the problems I posted before (but that's late night thinking for you). I've started learning Russian. Don't ask why. Well I suppose you can, but I'm about to tell you anyway. I love Europe, and love the sound of Russian. The thought of being fluent in a LOTE excites me (I'm so annoyed I didn't carry on doing french in year 8, that was one thing I was good at). Uzdratzvootia! I still cant pronounce that properly (its a formal hello by the way). The word for bread can go perform erotic experimentation with a sex-deprived buffalo, I cannot pronounce it. Hclep. Hleep. kkkHleep. Screw it.

Also, hmmm. Should I say? I usually never, and I mean never about these kind of things, even to my close friends. I am very secretive by nature. At the same time, what is the point of this site if it doesn't contain some kind of personal material. That is half the fun. OK. Here goes.

I 'Like' a girl. BOOM! WHOA! HOLY CRAP I KNOW I SHOULD BE TAKEN OFF THE INTERNET FOREVER FOR SAYING THAT WOW!

What an anti-climax I know. Now you all know my gender too, all you 50 year old pedophiles looking for a supple child's body. Just kidding. Most of you pedophiles are probably not 50. Anyway. This girl. Still not sure if I really do like her. I mean, I am attracted, but my over analytical mind looks for everything wrong in such a situation. I don't actually admit 'love' until I am 100% sure. Do you really care? Does this make interesting reading? That doesn't actually matter actually, because as of yet 'you' don't exist. Its only me. And I am lonely. So lonely. OH SHIT SCHOOL WORK. I should be working on homework at the moment. Screw it. Jeezus I get off topic quickly. There I go again. Now I am making it worse. OK. Should I say her name? Hmmm. That would only be an actual issue if anyone either I or she knew found this. At this rate that seems unlikely. Ok. Her name is Stephanie. Woah that felt weird. Only actually admitted the name of the girl I like once before. Hey, if she ever sees the site, she could read this and be all 'Awww, how sweet'. Probably not actually. Most likely, if it ever happens, she would be kind of frightened. Ahh well. If you are reading this though (by you I mean Stephanie), could you not mention it to me? Because that would make it kind of awkward. At the same time, I suppose it would be good. Up to you.

Well that's a whole heap of crap up there. I mean, it is true, but I rambled on and even avoided the topic. Who avoids the topic when they're writing? Me. You are probably bored shitless. Or do you like it? Get back to me on that my imaginary readers, and I'll try to include more of what you like.

Ahh well. Its a change from all the emo poetry shit I've been putting up. Das Vidanye! (Russian for goodbye, but in English characters. It looks more awesome in Cyrillic)