My Afflictions

I am, as a person, nowhere near perfect. I want to talk about my shortcomings, whether this act itself demonstrates a deep seated lack of confidence inside me I am not sure. Does it mean anything? Obviously it indicates something, but this could be as trivial as a desperation to find things to write or something much more important. From your point of view however this is entirely irrelevant.

I am:

• Disappointingly lacking in confidence. I never say what I really think, or act how I really feel. In all social situations I have a mask which constricts my actions yet also forces me to act in a way more beneficial to myself socially in most circumstances. So basically I never act 'myself', due to a fear of exposing my true opinions to ridicule and attack. As such my 'friends' are a perfect match for my mask, yet I always feel I am missing something when with them.
• Both hopeful and hopeless. I will hope for something while at the same time pointing out all the problems in the way of that hope. I never achieve what I hope to, which is either due to a failing in myself or this mindset of failure.
• Ultimately two minded. While all my actions (as are all humans) are purely to satisfy my biological instincts, I will simultaneously consider things in a way ignoring these biological urges. So while a part of me considers the most effective way to meet women, I also think of how pointless it is. I want to meet women to reproduce, continue my genetic line, and for that reason alone. All notions of love and attraction I consider are just emotions engineered to make me reproduce. As just one in 6 billion, why even bother? Are my genes really all that superior to the other suitors of that woman?
  
• Alone. There is no other (known to me) I can share these thoughts with, indeed, many of my thoughts with. Partly the reason for this 'blog', this fact is probably the most crippling to my mind.