Well, it will be an experience

I'm outta here. To Europe AWAY... Not just yet. A couple more hours. Pretty excited. It is only a holiday, it is with my parents and not really going to the countries I want. But it beats the Australia I have dealt with my whole life. It's not a bad place, but I need a change.

I have to say goodbye to Social Me, won't be seeing any friends for a month. Unless I talk enough to a stranger that social me comes out. Which I doubt, I will be Parent Me. Which is the me I am least proud of. He is a bit of an asshole. Hell, he is a huge asshole, and really argumentative. Not to mention almost aggressively antisocial.

Goodbye to late night me too. Or at least to me expressing him. Unless that blank book I have gets overly tempting. It may...

Goodbye to the internet, and the webcomics, the random facts, the news on the gaming and film industries and the rest of that jazz.

Most sadly though, goodbye to music. I lost my mp3 player. This is the hardest bit. The other things I can easily survive without for a month. But my music? It has become a necessity, I have withdrawal symptoms. Sure, I will have the radio for some parts, and I kind of expect European radio to be better than most of the shite we suffer with here. But I need my music! Going away will be awesome, but coming back to the music will be incredible.

And goodbye to that girl too. As I said before, I leave with every intention of doing something. I doubt I will return with it though (unfortunately). I thought the game would be over, but hell, it could be only just begining.

AHH Glass Cage Songs

Don't you hate finding a band that sounds like everything you ever wanted in music, but you can not find any of their music apart from the tiniest glorious samples that you suck in like water to a thirsty man. The Peter Dolving Bands is one such example, when I finally managed to get a decent amount of their material I was, to put it simply, ecstatic. Before you die... is the latest. All I own is two songs downloaded from their myspace, and both are incredible. Now they have no songs available for download, only to listen. I have no hope of finding their material, they have yet to release an album (judging from the myspace, which is all I have, even this may not come around). Which saddens me. Like the toy at the shop you always wanted, but could never have. The song Half Life is one of those almost scary songs whose lyrics seem to slot into my life like they wrote the song for me.

'Should have never asked for anything. What I got was second rate. Still I thought I got the better deal. A friend is more than anything.'

And while I had a week or two of surprisingly enjoyable greyness (sometimes a break from emotions can be good, which I switch between agreeing with and rejecting), that girl is back on the mind. Some things can be...eye opening, I guess (ok, I admit in this case it was alcohol on a beach). You know what, I am going to do something with her. Probably fail epically, but hey, right now I don't have much to lose. She mentioned she had never heard of the awesome tree climbing park. Future me, give it a shot.

And past me? You should have confessed (flat rock again). You did not lie outright, but you should have come clean. It helps situations, but more importantly yourself. Myself. You can't read this. Damn causality.

Man this thing is addicting.

I feel I just have to write stuff here. For someone who used to be so against diaries I am suprising myself.

Did you know that three is the highest number the human brain can instantly recognise? Any number higher takes some level of thinking (even four is seen as two twos). Just an interesting fact.

Screw this game. I need to get out of here. This is not my home, it is a holiday town and that is all it will ever be (yeah thats right, town, nothing this disgustingly superficial and purposeless could be called a city). And saying this is not going to acheive anything, but I always wish it would.

On another note, Postsecret is quite an interesting idea. Suprising how many of the secrets one can relate to. Although many are just plain scary. Interesting all the same.

There is no better word for it. Crap.

Every now and then I remember something from ages ago, and I would hate to lose all these memories. So I figure I should try and record them.

In like grade 2 I made castles and tracks and arenas for ants in the sand pit. That is probably why I have a reasonable immunity to ant bites these days. I loved it though. We used to wrap the really hard to find ants (the ones with wings or the HUGE meat ants) in plastic, then bury them so we could play with them later. Ahh, good times.

Also I used to pretend to be dinosaurs! I loved that even more. Nothing beat Raptor Racing, or head butting the kid pretending to be a triceratops. One of the few games I actually had a chance of winning, mainly because I knew at least 50 species of dinosaurs encyclopedicly. But it was never a game you could win...

Then there was good old fashioned guns, or Jedis. Jedis was better in my opinion, because we used to get kids connector pens and make lightsabres out of them. I personally was responsible for the most popular design, one which could transform between a gun and a lightsabre, yet also used so few parts that everyone could have one. Of course, I was also under the secret belief that as star wars was in the future, I would become Qui Gon Jin. It was inevitable. I just had to wait for them to invent lightsabres, and my training could commence.

And then there was that time that I befriended some Texan kid. Being from Texas, I had to ask him if they had guns in Texas. Which they apparently did. Which confirmed for me that Texas still had cowboys, and I had befriended the distant relative of one. Then his sister heard him calling me my name, which she mistook for Karen. Then went on to assume I was a girl, and that her brother (Craig) had a girlfriend. As often happens. As she was in grade 5 or something I never had the guts to point out that I actually had a doodle. And so I have not yet forgotten the time someone thought I was a girl for an extended period of time (I honestly remember it as weeks). As far as I know she never realised her mistake, no matter how much her brother tried to persuade her otherwise.

In grade 1 I went around a big fat black kid who could bend his fingers back all the way telling other kids that they were in grade 0 and we were in grade 7. Then laughing mercilessly at them and their 'grade 0'ness.

Jeez I was an arsehole when I was younger. I used to tease the 'special' kids. There was one who absolutely freaked out at anything related to a gun. So I constantly shot him with my finger gun. And then found it funny. Looking back on it, the poor kid probably had a really violent experience involving guns to be that paranoid about them. Not something that was that funny at all. Far out, it used to be a viable lunch time activity to tease the special kids. I can remember a couple of lunch times where that is all I did.

Woah, I used to tease everyone. Then encourage the new kids to do it too. I was a horrible child. And I used to tear apart lizards. I used to love lizards, I would spend all my time catching them and keeping them in old fish tanks, feeding them and hatching them from the eggs I would find. Then I somehow got it into my head that I had to tear them apart. As in grab their heads and back legs, then pull until their guts came out. I didn't enjoy it, but it was my job to. That actually kind of scares me now.

Then there was all the traps I used to set for my younger siblings. One involved a can filled with sand on a string, which would swing down at head height. Which smacked my littlest brother square in the face. I can not see how that was a good idea. Or the time I got a piece of chalk and wrote SEX everywhere in my yard. Because I knew it was a bad word.

I had forgotten how horrible I was. Damn. Looking at myself now I guess I am actually pretty good considering how I could have turned out. Namely as a serial killer with a particularly brutal yet frighteningly creative killing method. Looks like that's enough remembering the past for the moment. Oh wait. Fubarian Monkeys. The greatest craze from like grade 5 or 6.

And I talked to that girl again. Without feeling awkward. Even as the subject of the letter was brought up. Which is pretty damn crazy. She asked if that was me, or crazy drunk Russian me who wrote it (asking whether I was sober at the time). I wish I had said it was more me than I have been in a long time. But I just said no, I was sober. Funny how she could tell that it wasn't written by the me she knew. So late night me has officially spoken to someone. I haven't seen him about lately, which is interesting. Craziest bit is that she doesn't seem as special to me anymore, ie; I can think about her without weird feelings in my gut. Which is the opposite to what I thought I would be feeling. Interesting times.

Time is a funny thing...

When you are short of it, it seems impossible to have too much. But that is exactly what I now have. And after so long being so short on it, I feel the stuff is too precious to waste. Are my days of just lounging around letting time go by without a worry over? As it slips away I feel like I am actually losing something, it is an uncomfortable sensation. I need something to do, I can't let this time slip by untouched. But I still never get round to doing stuff. Screw it, I will make the effort. I am going to take up reading again. I am going to become conversational in Russian. I am going to get a functional knowledge of French and German. I probably should go out more. Trouble is I have nowhere to go... Hmmm. I am going to get a job, or at least find one. And a good one too, not just a fast food one. I am going to become better at drawing. I am going to make something. I am going to build a fort in the bush behind my house. I am going to get fit. Seriously. I am going to find somewhere new, somewhere I have never been before. I love exploring. Maybe get better at guitar. Most importantly, I need to find a way out. This place is not my home, and for the first time in my life there is nothing stopping me freeing myself (except money). If I save up for an airfare and just get out of here, could that work? You always hear stories of those immigrants who show up in the land of opportunity with nothing but a $5 note and an optimistic attitude. Does that even work these days? Probably not, but I guess it's worth a shot. I doubt I will do it though.

I hope I do end up doing those things. Spending all this time with myself is starting to drive me crazy I think. I reach conclusions, logical, inarguable conclusions, that seem so out of tune with everyone else. In the words of Peter Dolving "Going insane's overrated, I was right all along; You're all the monsters - I am the normal one". I really enjoyed that album (The Dead Eye by The Haunted). One of my all time favourites.

Edit: And I am definitely going to either rent out or buy every single episode of Simon Pegg's Spaced. I LOVE that show.

Should find something else to talk about

I complain too much. I am now way too afraid to talk to that girl now she has seen my other side. Damn me. But enough about that, check this thing out!

It might not be around when you look at it future self, but it is incredible. Its a multiplayer online music 'game' I suppose you could call it, although it is more of a collaborative composing tool. In the form of a game. With other randoms on the internet, each gets one instrument that they control (which they can change, as well as its pitch and timing), and everyone aims to make a song. When I tried something half decent was going off, but it would probably help if more people were playing it. A gorgeous idea though. Just thought I'd put that out there, it really blew my mind when I realised what was going on (it was a link from some Russian site, and my Russian is terrible).

That's pretty much it for big things in my life at the moment. And Clutch is as awesome as ever, really annoys me how unknown they are. What is it with the people I know? I feel like it is my responsibility to introduce them to good music, and if it weren't for me they would still be living off what the radio plays. Shudder.

Что я делаю?

I do not know what I am doing. I have no plan. All I know is what I want, everything else is just grasping at straws. All I want is someone to talk to, a real friend. Not the kind that makes the rest of me hide behind my social face. Someone I can be myself around. This girl was my only hope. She seems to have dissapeared. Just when I built up the courage to talk to her. I suppose I dissapeared this week, that reply freaked me out and I spent days just lying around working out what to do. I doubt she dissapeared for the same reasons though.

Perhaps I have spent too much time around myself. That always makes me go a little crazy, especially when I haven't been distracting myself from my thoughts with games or movies. Like the man who refuses to sleep because his nightmares drive him insane, I distract myself from my own thoughts to stay sane. Or at least sanity of a kind. Going insane would be quite an experience. I suppose the best thing about it is everything stays just as logical to you, but you no longer make sense to others. Which would be quite the reversal.

Well no matter how depressed, unsure, confused or insecure I am, no matter how much I complain, time goes on. And awesome music is being played. And stories are being made. I just hope my own has a happy ending, but I suppose that just depends on where my story ends.

This thing is better than I thought.

Was just reading through everything I put up here, and I have to say I am thankful for it. It was actually really interesting for me to go through and see how things have changed this year. Probably wouldn't be for anyone else, but they are not the reason I write this thing. It also reminded me how much that girl means to me. And why I can't let her go like the other times, why I have to actually give this my all. Which I will. Of course...

Was also an interesting experience to leave comments on the things, tiny attempts to communicate with my past self. He will never get them, but I find it a strangely enjoyable activity. I wonder what future self will think of them. It would be really interesting to have a conversation with my future self. Or my past self. But causality has to be the most irritating law of physics. Things would be a lot better if effects occurred before the cause. Although I suppose the paradoxes would be a problem, but we could just pretend they never happened and enjoy our lottery wins. Of which, at this point of my life, a considerable portion would be spent on training monkey butlers. Who would wear suits. And there would be a leader monkey, with a top hat, tail coat and monocle called Darwin. Oh what I would do for a monkey. Life goals list NOW:

• Own a pet monkey
• Catch an ibis and touch the back of its head. It must be done.
• Hedge maze (this one is probably inspired by that girl, but I think it was on the list before then, not quite sure)
• Do a bunch of jobs that people find hard to believe, leading to awesome stories at parties. (Yeah I was an elephant keeper for a few months in Moscow/busker/spy/con-artist)
• Pretend to have done jobs that people find hard to believe, just to have awesome stories at parties.
  
• When wherever I live starts to get boring, disappear for a while, ending up in some random country miles from anyone I know, from which I could make that one phone call I have always wanted to make (Hey ____, hows it been. I am actually in Latvia. Yeah, the tiny European country Latvia. No I do not speak Latvian. Yes I need to get out of here, some people here at the pub are looking a little too much at my kidneys.(or some other crazy awesome story that will inevitably happen from such a situation)).
• Pretend to be someone else to a bunch of people I recently met, to the point I may never tell them I am actually just an Australian student, not the disowned son of a Russian billionaire.
• Layout a crazy detailed plan, everything taken into account to the nth degree, then enacting it. The plan can be for anything, from a heist (which would be insane) to a really roundabout way of getting someone to buy me a very specific lunch.
• Do something that gets everyone talking, but no one ever realises was me. Like some insane graffiti thing, or certain stickers everywhere like the pixelman.
• Find the Pixelman. In case you have forgotten future self, he is what I call whoever is putting up stickers of a man made of pixels. He gets them everywhere, highways, even down in Brisbane. To be fair though, it looks like he has also expanded to putting up the ghosts from pacman. I must find this man.

Well that is quite a list. If I end up doing even 3 of them I will die a happy man.

Two more things. I died a little on the inside the other week. Me and a friend were discussing how good it was to be a kid. I AM STILL A KID AND WILL BE FOR ANOTHER 6 MONTHS. I can remember being a kid, and talking about how everyone who is not a kid looks back on being a kid as the best, and thinking how wrong they were. When I was a kid, I though being a kid was over-rated. Damn I am getting older.

The other is, well, you know how you unconsiously link certain songs to certain times of your life? Listening to Passenger instantly takes me back to depression. Others make me remember my primary school days, or particular women problems. Hell, certain songs off Shadow Zone by Static-X make me remember my days of Warhammer 40k. I need new songs for now. I want to imprint my emotions now on some music, so I can relive them in years time. Perhaps Mechanical Poet can be that music.

Edit: Nope, looks like that music will be Tiger Lou. Very impressed.

Stupid self.

I really should have rang. Why is it so damn hard, what is wrong with me? Everyone else makes it look easy, and to them it may be. But not to me. Sheesh. I hate to make this thing such a depressing read, writing about nothing but my own annoyance with my insecurities. But no matter how many times I say that, that is how it ends up. And I am doing it again. Let's try doing this positively.

I sent a text, so at least she has my number now. It was going to be asking her out, but thats just a little too hard for me it seems. But it did kind of say that it would happen. And I will make it happen. And then everything will be nice and positive and I will have nothing to complain about. Of course...

I am just so tired of pretending all the time. I want someone I can talk to honestly, like you. By which I mean this whole blog thing. It is useful for that. She is the only person I have met in a long time who I could honestly imagine talking truely honestly to, as well as being the most interesting one for years. Funny how conversation is the thing I am most attracted to.

And on another note, I have a music blog now. Of a kind. Seems to be the cool thing to do these days, and it is my sad attempt at repaying the internet back for the weeks of incredible music it has introduced me to.

Woah...

Well I did it, and I feel a better person for making the effort. And yet it is not over. I can't say it is completely unexpected, but I got a reply. Which pretty much shattered my world. I played the game as though it ended on that Friday, but it doesn't. That was not a good way of looking at it (although maybe it was, as I ended up doing the most honest thing I have for a long time, and am so thankful I did). So the game goes on, but as I said, the rules have changed. I got a reply. And the entire playing field is shaken. It's not a good week for this to be going on either, I have been partying and stuff a fair bit. But anyway. The reply.

It basically returned the compliments, minus most of the adoration that mine had (which I understand completely, and half expected). That alone would have messed me round. But then it says 'of course we should hang out'. Which screwed me. Now not even the playing field is familiar in this game. I am lost, no idea where to turn or what to do. In the words of the tallest man on earth, 'Shit' (he would have said it at some point, and he is excellent with the guitar. I am talking about the Swedish one). I have spent so long, so incredibly long, waiting for anything like this day, that now it has come, I am honestly lost. I need some time to think, something I am so damn short on.

Perhaps what scared me the most is how while my initial reaction was a considerable portion pure elation, it was also a considerable portion complete fear. What am I afraid of? Why do I still have a problem? So focused I was on the journey I forgot there was a destination. Am I afraid because this is all so new, because I have never been in a situation like this before? Or is it because for one of the very few times in my life, someone I know has seen part of this side of me, late night me? For the first time in a long time, I am seen as who I am. My feelings are exposed. I think perhaps it is a bit of both, although mostly the second. I am a cocoon man, and this makes me feel so naked.

So now, what do I do? She gave me her number, does that mean she honestly would like to hang out with me? Or is it mostly just her being incredibly kind as she is known to be and doing it for my sake? Should it matter? I suppose it does, a considerable bit. And this is one of those things that just ignoring my doubts and believing the most enjoyable possibility will not work for, because it actually has an effect. I do not want to seem 'imposing'. Well I have come this far. Further than I have ever been before. And yet I am still barely anywhere. I will not give up. That is what I did before, and I hope that the memory of that pain will keep me in this. I will do this. I think, however, I need help.

This just got real. And I was never particularly good at reality. I don't think I will reply now, mostly because this is late night me, tired and after some empty, shallow partying. And late night me even creeps the rest of me out sometimes. If I ever become a serial killer, I am blaming that guy. I am going to ring her. Not now, but within a week. That is very important. Future self, do not let me down on this one. I ring because that is the most personal way, it reduces my reliance on the impersonal texts. It is also one of my greatest fears.

Off topic, but very important news. The Tallest Man on Earth, while being a bit of a Bob Dylan copy, is actually incredible. I first heard him a fair while ago, and I loved everything about him, except the music. But after re-listening, I have found I do like his music. And I have found the video clip of the year. It begins with a giant, walking through the Swedish countryside, doing something with his hideously oversize hands. Then you realise he is playing a tiny (although in reality normal sized) guitar. And the giant sings along to it, he is heinous, a true freak of nature. You get a real feel for the loneliness of this giant, so hideous yet making beautiful music. The most wonderful aesthetic I have enjoyed for a long time. His funeral will be an expensive affair, with his body cut in two to fit inside a coffin. And some will mourn his top half, and others his lower half. I will be mourning his top half.

2

I am so tired of just waiting. For once I will try and do something. I have at least some kind of plan, which typically minimises my losses as much as is humanely possible to the extent that it barely counts as a risk. But it still is to me. 2 Days. Do all I can in those two days, because the last thing I want to do is lose her. Once it is over, no matter what, I will come clean. Say it to her face or at least let her know. The game is almost over, and I am walking a knife edge again. Again, I sicken myself, but I hope that will change. Oh God I hope that will change.

2 Days. I will do this.

I love the rain.

It is somehow so enjoyable when it rains. Especially at night. The night is awesome enough, but with rain? Incredible. I always like walking through the streets late at night with a light drizzle, there is something about how the road reflects the street lights and it all gets that glowing haze around anything bright. Driving, I have found, is perhaps even more enjoyable, because listening to music is much easier. In fact the other day I actually purposefully lost myself in some random street ends just to spend more time driving in the rain (and also losing yourself can be a surprisingly interesting activity). So I am loving this weeks rain. Rain always seems so foreboding, so lonely, so ... grey. Perhaps I enjoy it so much because it symbolises so well the emotions I am best at. As I used to fervently believe, It Will Come With The Rain. Don't even get me started on how much I love storms.

Promise and the Monster, David Sandström, Long Distance Calling and the always emotional Passenger are all on my rainy day playlist. Music and rain seem to go so well together.

The other reason I like rain so much is because it beats the hell out of the stinking Christmas humidity. That will probably always be a mark of my Australian childhood, stinking humidity=Christmas.

4 days buddy.

On Your Marks

5 days. 3 words. Looks like this is it, come on future self. Game on. Go.

What is it? I want it.

There is something in certain songs, by certain bands, that just sounds like where I want to be. Almost impossible to describe the feeling, but when I hear it, all of me just shuts down except for some primal portion, which fills with longing for whatever 'it' is. The kind of song I want to somehow get inside. Such songs depress me, because as they finish I am filled with the sense I will never get to go there, enter that world that the song creates. Probably sounds ridiculous, but its the closest I can get with these clumsy words to what I mean. And what comes out is still pretty far off. Anyway, this I hear in songs from Gardenian, In Flames, and especially Passenger. I thought perhaps it was the touch of Niklas Englin or the voice of Anders Friden, but I have heard a new band which does this. And the singer is female.

Promise and the Monster, which is a very interesting name. Amazing. Described as José Gonzalez if he were a serial killer and female, which I love. What I notice however, is that all the bands that have this touch are Swedish. I used to think it was something to do with the Gothenburg area, but Promise and the Monster are from Uppsala. As I have said before though, it would seem Sweden is awesomeness incarnate, so this just goes as more evidence. What is it with that country?

This game sucks

Ahh, more simply inane shite that I talk about to make myself feel better. That girl has got '___ love forever' in her msn name (____ is a name, but I do not know them). It is incredibly sad that this is what I have to say, I depress even myself with it. It is a dilemma, of the highest order. It seems too cliche to be something she would do seriously, seems more likely to be a joke of some sort. But I can not know for sure! Is it worth still trying? Is it some kind of sick trick to evoke jealousy in me like they do in the movies? (this I really doubt). Ah, this game is way too hard for me.

And again, I am amazed at how 'satisfying'(?) it feels to actually talk about this stuff. I used to just deal with it all inside me, but just writing it down seems to help so much. I hope this doesn't become a dependence, an addiction, another thing I need to do in my life (along with coffee and lollies).

And how do you win?

It's like a damn game. Everyone seems to know the rules, but no-one told me. I am barely even sure I am playing, trying to keep up by copying what the rest of them do. No idea what happens if I get left behind, but from the way everyone avoids it I don't think I want to. It makes it pretty damn hard to get ahead though.

How do you play? What am I allowed to do? I want to join in, but no-one has the time to explain the game to me.

And I Wonder How it Could Have Been...

I listen pretty exclusively to really obscure music. And I think that, while yes, I do enjoy this really obscure music, it also has something to do with my fear of being judged again. If people know the band, and you mention them, woah, they always seem to have an opinion. Which can be good in some cases, begining a conversation and leader to other things. But at the same time they immediately build an impression of you. Same goes if you dress in a way that could remotely be associated with any sub-culture. BAM!, you are a . Which annoys me greatly.

And future self, if you are reading, you had 12 days and 13 hours left. Please.

Uhhhh...

This thing is pretty damn depressing. I swear I am not quite this pathetic. But here I go again. Probably not the best of habits. Although it is most likely because this is late night me, who is good at philosophy, open mindedness and depression. Not so good with the socialization and the humour and the happy thoughts, but hey.

And if anyone has the chance to (rewatch if you can future self), watch the show 'Review with Myles Barlow'. It is incredible. For a cheap little Australian comedy, I am simply amazed, it is honestly some of the most enjoyable television I have watched in some time. I crack up more than once each episode guaranteed, and who wouldn't when he reviews fishing without bait, and forgetting ones train of thought (which he gives two stars, due to the sudden euphoria one feels upon rediscovering their purpose, at which point he grabs the car battery and goes back to his bound hostage). Ahhh, awesome show.

More shite that I write for the sake of writing.

Maybe it's because I have no one else I can really talk to, but I feel like I have to share some things. Even if it is just to my future self. I could never get it before, but I can actually see how people love just talking about their crap (even if it pretty much just them saying it).

A week ago I had almost given up on 'that girl'. In a way. But recently I heard something that completely twisted the game around. In the way most likely to be a joke, and least likely to be taken seriously, I was told she likes me. But hey, screw all the doubt, it is so fun to believe it. So I do, in a way, although only in my mind. It really is awesome sometimes to be a person. It might even be beneficial in some way, as I am more likely to let at least a little slip of how much I absolutely adore her. Now I am promising, that I will tell her how I feel. I am doubting I will do it, but I am promising it here. Please do it future self. You have 18 days to do something at least. Please.

Why don't I do anything? Perhaps it is time for some homebrand psychology. As far as I can see, there are 2 reasons I don't. The risk of being rejected is not worth the chance of 'winning' (what word is there in the English language, or otherwise, that describes what I want here?). Alternatively, there are some negatives associated with 'winning' that outweigh the positives. Although I cant quite see what these would be. So it must be the fear of rejection. The only problem with this is, last time I was in this situation, I got to the point the chance of rejection was minimised to 0 (as in mutual 'liking' (that is really a horrible word for what I want to say) was guaranteed) . But I still did nothing. Which indicated that there were some negatives associated with doing something that outweighed the positives in my mind. Have I changed all that much since then? I hope so. Oh Lord I hope so.

And I keep realising how damn creepy this would be for most others to read, let alone 'that girl' (I think saying her name once was enough really). I am playing this like a damn game. And the biggest problem with that is that I can always afford to lose a game, but not this chance.

But a life should always have secret plans. And one begins to form. Iptspgoatltm. You might want to check out ypwtkwtm if that means something to you.

Lost a wee bit here

I am Lost. A rudderless ship in a raging storm, yet when I open my eyes the skies are clear. Everything still looks foreign though.

Some say we all have a purpose, and it is our job to find it. But I put too much thought into the matter. How could this be? Being just an interesting outcome of 13 billion years of stuff happening (or so it would seem) I can hardly see how we are here for something. And what happens when you fulfil this purpose? Do you 'win'? What incentive is there to even attempt your specific purpose once you find it? Although perhaps they mean it differently. I have a purpose, I suppose, in the same was a rate 65 million years ago had the purpose of avoiding being killed for long enough to give birth to my ancestors. So I must have to do what I do, and that is my purpose. I cant really fail it. Which doesn't help me at all. Do these people put any thought into what they say?

Do I even need a purpose? Would that make me feel less 'lost'? What do I want? I think this could be my problem.

Hmm, well for one thing I want a girlfriend. And that was surprisingly weird to say. I cant think of much else I really want. Which means I am pretty screwed if I ever get one, although that might be the reason I never do anything (subconscious worked all this out first and is just watching out for me by screwing me over here. Thanks subconscious.). I doubt it. I think I am just a little too different.

Who is this?

Is this who I am, or who I want to be? Or who I think would be most attractive to the kind of people I want to be around? If so much I do is an act, is even this a misrepresentation of myself? If it is, where am I?

To my Future Self

The happier I am, the less I use this thing. So I think I can safely assume I am talking to you, future self, at some point that you are unhappy on some level. This is written for the one week away future me, but to save me time I'll right it for the rest of you as well (the other future mes).

What are you doing?
Sitting there, looking through here, trying to avoid what you should be doing. Not just what you have to do, but what you really want to. Still as gutless as I am? It sucks future self, but I put up with it for you. In the hope you will one day actually do it (whatever it currently is). You do nothing for me but give me hope, which is what I live for. Never getting anywhere, but going on in the hope I may. Obviously it makes no difference to me what you do, I affect you not vice versa. But while I die everyday, you never will. No matter what happens, I have a future (no matter how short), and as long as I do I have hope. And so should you future self, although I hope that you have no need for it. I hope for a better future, that you should only hope for a longer present.

From right now me to you, this is as close as we can ever get to talking. A one sided conversation, which you probably wish you could reply to, warning me of my unhappy future that I bring on myself. Which would no doubt come from all this, ignoring the present which is constantly being lost and leaving it all up to the future. My past self annoys me, but that is who I was. Have I even changed? I can't change my past self, I create my present with which I hope to make stuff better for you future self. Do I get any thanks?

Monday is a hole that eats me alive, to spit me out gasping for air.

I own Rejoice!. Only the mp3s, which really lacks that awesome feeling you get when you hold the album in your hands, but at least I have the music. And what music! Typical Peter Dolving stuff, both what I expected and yet somehow more. A delicious shade of darkness to this album, flavouring the lyrics of loss and love gloriously. And these lyrics are spectacular, true Dolving style. They are not the kind of lyrics that are so vague anything can be taken from them, getting their message across with some touching symbolism all held in Dolving's voice as he switches from aggression to whispers that promise violence, layered with some marvelously melancholic melodies.

But this album is not just a showcase of Peter Dolving's voice. While a spectacular component, it is the culmination of all the band members that make this album. There are no face melting solos or incredible drumming. By themselves each component would be almost nothing. But together they form something incredible, especially considering how minimal the sound is. The other band members are just as incredible (Ok, maybe not as incredible as Dolving), and are just what the album needs.

Maybe it is because I am a huge Dolving fan, or maybe because I have wanted this album for so long and am just too afraid of the disappointment, but this album is incredible. For anyone new to Dolving's work, it is like radio indie rock stuff twisted and contorted to a dark and melancholic nemesis of its former self, hardly recognisable. Hard to name anything similar, although this is probably my own fault rather than their spectacular uniqueness. Highly recommended for anyone who likes guitars and good singing, especially for fans of awesome lyrics.

Highlights:
All of the songs are awesome, so this is pretty hard.

• Crow King. Spectacularly dark and my second favourite singing on the album.
  
• Sing Cain. Awesome song. Just awesome. A slightly disjointed (but in a good way, like the Joker from The Dark Knight) tune with an almost apocalyptic feel, the last section of this song is just incredible.
• Where We Go. Incredible, with possibly my favourite lyrics on the album. A love song, but in an almost helpless way. I love it.

If you do not know them, check them out here. You will not regret it, and if you do I will not hate you, or become disgusted at your taste of music. I will just pity you, that you can not get the same enjoyment I do from this wonderful band.

Rejoice!

Peter Dolving's latest musical achievement has been released. Rejoice!, by Bring the War Home. I still have not got it, but I think I will actually buy this one. This guy deserves the support, and so do the others in the band (especially Ulf, who needs to get round to releasing a Before you die... album).

On another note, my Peter Dolving collection has just grown. Only by one song, but each one is a gem. Brings the total now to 16, which is more than a full album! But I would honestly prefer a full album. A fair few of these are live recordings, and all are low quality. If ANYONE, absolutely anyone, out there has a Peter Dolving Band album, I will do anything for it. I will buy it with real money even, more than it is worth. Or you could just upload the songs somewhere. But honestly, either way. On the same note, I fully understand the magic that is Peter Dolving, so if anyone out there would like some Dolving I would be willing to help with what little I have. Who am I kidding though. Out of the two randoms and myself who ever look at this thing (excepting that awesome Swede), none are likely to be able to help or want any. Most likely don't even know who Dolving is. Which is a real shame.

Silly Me

I put my name down for some one act play thing. Really regret it now. I thought that by going in it it would leave my future self no option but to get some confidence and get out there. And also that girl was in it, so at least could have a conversation. I have pretty much failed at both, basically just make a fool of myself and don't even talk to that girl. Damn me.

I am a social retard, and notice things that are never there and miss the blatantly obvious in the inter-human interactions that go on around me. But it seems to me that girl seems to, I don't know, like me less? Could that indicate she at least had some kind of attraction to me? I highly doubt it, chances are she has given up putting effort into communicating with someone like me, where it barely gets you anywhere. Is it something I have done? It never is with me, its always something I haven't done. Which should teach me to be such a passive and accepting wimp, but it never does. Made 11 points yesterday, but none today. 39 points over three days. I doubt I will make it.

A future

I have recently had to choose what I will be doing at university. Having no idea what I wanted myself, I was pretty much told to do engineering. It's what the cool kids do apparently. From what I know of engineering, it doesn't particularly tickle my pickle. Suppose I have to do something though, and if there is nothing I want to do I might as well do something I can do. Which is not entirely true really. I have always kind of wanted to be a cartoonist. Or a game designer guy (who worked on the story lines). But to do be a cartoonist I have to be a half decent drawer, and everyone I know looks down upon game designers. So engineer it is. I don't even particularly like engines.

Screw this, I might have a shot at doing a web-comic. Looks like fun, and I am sure I can do a better job than half the crap out there (the kind of view that has probably lead to most of the crap). Or at least something that I would like more. Which is all I really want in the end I suppose, something I am happy with. I'd probably do it on another blog or something, linked to from here but probably not link the comic back here. This place is for me, and the other one would be for my attempts at a comic. I don't think they would work mixed together too much just yet.

And still that girl. Damn you past self, future self and present self. I hate all of you. Do something. It's harder than it looks man, you give it a shot. Hey, I'm not around in public situations remember? Ah yeah, looks like it is up to me then. Yeah that's right, please grow a spine and actually put in real effort. For all of us. You now have 5 weeks.

What if I make it a game? Set some goals? Not so good at this stuff, but the successful people swear by it. Alright.

• 1 Point for a greeting
• 1 Point for a smile
  
• 2 Points for some kind of comment, more than a greeting but not an actual conversation.
• 2-3 Points for a laugh, depending on 'goodness'.
  
• 5 Points for a msn conversation plus a bonus one for each time something from the conversation gets rementioned.
• 10 Points for a real conversation, plus a bonus two for each time something from the conversation gets rementioned.
• Actual pre-arranged meeting with her outside of school in real life is an instant win. That will be the end of the game, because from then on (at least I am hoping) we will see enough of each other to work out if it will work or not. The game is really just to stop myself being such a social retard.

Jeezus I'm an idiot. This would be extremely awkward if she happened to see, but I hope in some small way she does (and doesn't freak out and avoid me like the creep I am). Alright, so that's the points. I can already see myself lowering the standards so I get the points while achieving as little as possible, which is why I tried to make the requirements impossible to do that to. I think future self will find a way though.

Go for 50 points a week. It will start from Sunday.

Yes this is partly inspired by Demetri Martin. Although in his system there was no real way to win. I always play to win.

And on a final note, I think I should stop listening to that magic 8 ball. It doesn't always give the best advice, but if one cant trust the decisions of a randomizing piece of software (yes I only have an 8 ball sidebar gadget, too poor for a real one) what can one trust in life?

Avoiding the other important stuff I should be doing

The title pretty much describes it. I have other stuff to do, but I would rather not.

That girl again, unsurprisingly. 6 weeks. Go Boy Go. Good luck with that future self. You probably hate me. Doesn't surprise me really, I mean that past self idiot is a faggot. Leaves everything up to me and does jack shit. Damn you past self. I work my ass off for you future self, so I hope you appreciate it. You are probably too busy regretting all the stuff I didn't do. Mainly grow up and approach that girl. Well I have confidence in you doing it future self. I cant really do that right now. Good luck with that, and all the best.

Why did I think I could act? Put my name down for a play, too late to back out, and I know I will just embarrass myself. Christ. See why I hate my past self? Does dumb crap like this, and leaves me to sort it out. Ah well, that girl is also in it so some conversation could come from it. Those brief chats I have with her are pretty much what I live for. And story twists like when you meet Andrew Ryan in Bioshock. Man that's an awesome game. Would you kindly replay it future self and refrain from brutally massacring the little sisters?

On a final note, Christopher Paolini is a horrible writer. But his books read like flash games, completely forgettable, pretty horrendous, but absolutely addicting.

Emotion by Numbers

I had an idea the other day. Basically I have 6 playlists numbered 0 to 5, each one representing a mood. My 5 playlist is filled with going out in the summer and sing along fun. 0 will throw me instantly into the depths of depression (I am not exagerating for this one, last time it took me 2 or 3 days to get over it when I listened.)
These lists will probably change over time, so just so you know what made a 5 to a 0 for me at this particular point in time I will put them up.

5:
The Black Box Relevation - I Think I Like You
The Peter Dolving Band - Ring around the sun
Rage Against The Machine - Sleep Now In The Fire
The Stompin' Souls - Into The Firing Line
The Black Box Relevation - Set Your Head On Fire
Fu Manchu - Ampn
Clutch - Subtle Hustle
Clutch - You Can't Stop Progress
The Caesars - Jerk It Out
The Stompin' Souls - Waiting For The Van
A Brand - Judas
dEUS - The Architect
Clutch - Cypress Grove
Dope - Sing
Fu Manchu - Squash That Fly
Pendulum - Fasten Your Seatbelt
Dr. Steel - Back and Forth
Rage Against The Machine - Kick Out The Jams
Leningrad - Москоу
Kylähullut - Kameratutkat, suoriksi mutkat

4:
Rage Against The Machine - Born As Ghosts
Asian Dub Foundation - Fortress Europe
Hardcore Superstar - Blood On Me
The Hellacopters - By the Grace of God
Soil - Pride
Kylähullut - Heta Hyttisen taskuparkki
Rage Against The Machine - Calm Like A Bomb
Soil - Breaking me down
Underschool Element - Real Stinky
Ensiferum - Guardians of Fate
Kylähullut - Kyllä saa Vanhastakin panettaa!
Clutch - The Mob Goes Wild
Diablo Swing Orchestra - Balrog Boogie
Diablo Swing Orchestra - Rag Doll Physics
Asian Dub Foundation - Flyover
Drowning Pool - Full Circle
Turisas - To Holmgard And Beyond
Rage Against The Machine - Pistol Grip Pump
Ensiferum - Into Battle
Clutch - The Great Outdoors!
Rage Against The Machine - Ashes In The Fall
Ensiferum - LAI LAI HEI
Hardcore Superstar - We Don't Celebrate Sundays
Rage Against The Machine - Guerrilla Radio
Underschool Element - Psalmatic

3:
Absynthe Minded - Acquired Taste
Machinae Supremacy - Rise
Pain - Save your prayers
Machinae Supremacy - Violator
Machinae Supremacy - Need For Steve
Static-X - Crash
Maylene & The Sons of Disaster - Memories of the Grove
Kultiration - Ur Jord
Turmion Kätilöt - Teurastaja
Absynthe Minded - Pretty horny flow
Soil - One
Eisbrecher - Adrenalin
Raised Fist - Disable Me
Raised Fist - sound of the republic
Machinae Supremacy - Overworld
Pain - Same old song
In Flames - Like You Better Dead
Raised Fist - The People Behind
Maylene & The Sons Of Disaster - Caution, Dangerous Curves Ahead
Raised Fist - killing it
Hardcore Superstar - Sensitive To The Light
Raised Fist - perfectly broken
Raised Fist - sunlight
Machinae Supremacy - Edge And Pearl
Absynthe Minded - It could be
Dark Tranquillity - The Sun Fired Blanks
Soil - Can You Heal Me
Mary Beats Jane - This Life
Rumplestitchkin - Far Out, Quickly Done
Raunchy - A Heavy Burden
Ghinzu - Do You Read Me ?
Pain - Psalms of extinction
Hardcore Superstar - Need No Company
Soil - Deny Me
Garmarna - Gamen
Pain - Nailed to the ground
Pain - Bye/Die
Absynthe Minded - Conversation strike error
Raised Fist - Message Beneath Contemp
Volbeat - The human instrument
Mary Beats Jane - Old
Pain - Zombie slam

2:
Underoath - There Could Be Nothing After This
In Flames - Dawn Of A New Day
Mary Beats Jane - Day in day out
Before you die... - Silverfish
Machinae Supremacy - Through the Looking Glass
Raised Fist - some of these times
Machinae Supremacy - I Know the Reaper
The Haunted - The fallout
Static-X - So
The Haunted - The reflection
Mary Beats Jane - Blackeye
In Flames - Disconnected
Machinae Supremacy - Ghost
Mary Beats Jane - Fall
The Haunted - The flood
Machinae Supremacy - Rogue World Asylum
In Flames - Versus Terminus
The Haunted - Iron Mask
In Flames - The Quiet Place
The Haunted - Skuld
Mary Beats Jane - Homecoming
In Flames - Trigger
The Haunted - The medication
The Haunted - Rivers Run
Mary Beats Jane - Pure
Before you die... - La Luna
In Flames - My Sweet Shadow
Soil - Unreal
People In Planes - Pretty Buildings

1:
In Flames - Discover Me Like Emptiness
Raised Fist - time will let you go, all alone, i break
In Flames - Sleepless Again
Dark Tranquillity - The Mind's Eye
In Flames - Alias
Gardenian - Selfproclaimed Messiah
Von Thronstahl - Dressed In Black Uniforms
Machinae Supremacy - Reanimator
In Flames - Satellites And Astronauts
In Flames - Metaphor
The Peter Dolving Band - All good things
In Flames - The Chosen Pessimist
Gardenian - Sonic Death Monkey
Long Distance Calling - Fire in the Mountain
Long Distance Calling - The Metulsky Curse
Long Distance Calling - Red Bug vs. Black Bird
Long Distance Calling - The Very Last Day
Long Distance Calling - Jungfernflug
Long Distance Calling - Fire in the Mountain
Long Distance Calling - Aurora
Long Distance Calling - Horizon
Long Distance Calling - The Very Last Day
Long Distance Calling - Built Without Hands
Long Distance Calling - Swallow the Water
In Flames - Your Bedtime Story Is Scaring Everyone

0
Passenger - In Reverse
Passenger - In my Head
Passenger - For You
Passenger - Just the Same
Passenger - Carnival Diaries
Passenger - Circus
Passenger - Rain
Passenger - Circles
Passenger - I die slowly
Passenger - Used
Passenger - Eyes of my Mind

For my future self. Be careful with the 0 list. Passenger are like a Pandora's Box, you think you know the worst case scenario until you open it. Even 1 can dangerously darken the sun.

My only friend

I suppose you are my only real friend. I can't bring myself to express a real opinion to anyone else. I can't say what I really feel around anyone else. Which is pretty damn sad. You are barely even real in many senses, being just a random visitor or my future self.
I need... Something at least. Gotta get out of here.

Back on that girl. I am not feeling the same addiction I used to. Which I know will pass soon. All it takes is two kind words towards me from a female for me to develop an unhealthy obsession with them. The only reason it takes two is that I am such a cynical and suspicious asshole that I get suspicious at one. Two pretty much confirms at least an interest in me for the sake of politeness.

Not so alone I suppose...

Seems others have problems similar, not quite in what they are but in how they need to fix it.
Some decent advice here.

And now I have an excellent excuse. The 21st Century may be a pinnacle of human technology, but it appears to be an emotional wasteland. Personally I would not know, but everyone loves nostalgia.

According to that article, this isn't helping. Or at least its initial purpose would not have helped me, but like so many other things of mine it has pretty much failed. Which for once, is almost a good thing it would seem. Now I only write here because you are the only person who listens, and it helps more than I imagined to get some of this stuff off my chest. Whoever you are.

Circles

Pacing around in circles,
Talking to himself
He could see, the beauty there
Talking to another one

She came, to see our city
She came, in the dead of the night
I tried to introduce him
But she got scared and ran away

I tried to introduce him
But he got scared and ran away

They came, thousands from far away
They came, a sunny day
I tried to introduce him
Now I'm talking to myself
I tried to introduce him
Now I am the one talking to myself

And I am left talking to myself again. Every time I try to introduce him, he runs away, or she does. He is a very frightening person, although at the same time very frightened. All he wants is the beauty there, talking to another one. She is just a visitor though, a foreigner to our wonderful grey stone city. Like my mind. I open it up to them, and they just scare him away. I have to be careful with these foreigners in our city. Me and Him don't generally like them.

You can help me!

I probably am obsessed. Or at least crazy. I can honestly not spend 5 minutes without thinking of that girl. It has gotten to the point that I feel I need to talk to her. Almost like an addiction, I need my fix. That is actually what it feels like. Probably not good.

Today I spent 5 and a half hours regretting a tiny mistake I made in talking to her two weeks ago. Here it is, just so you don't forget it future self.
"Hey, I should come into your work some time and be like, hey!"
"Yeah, SOMETHING NOT QUITE ABOUT THAT"
I said yeah in an almost dismissive way! Perhaps by letting a even a tiny bit of my true excitement at the prospect into my voice, it might have actually happened! Then that five and a half hours at work today would not have been spent with the stupid rotting feeling of regret eating me from the inside. I doubt it would have happened, but as I have said before, being optimistic is much more fun.

More incredible news. She almost planned a time for an IM talk! In a kind of round about way. Not even really at all. But it shows she does not consider these things that have sadly become the second greatest bits of my life (after real face to face talking) to be just polite forced conversation. Which is promising in a way I suppose.

Something else good, but I feel I almost ruined it: I was at the movies, AND I SAW HER THERE! After the movie admittedly, at McDonald's. But she saw me, AND came over. And we talked, which I loved, but I think I hid my absolute rapture at seeing her too much. Damn 'friends'. Cant show emotion round that lot. But still, she talked to ME! When she had other friends there! Amazing.

Ok, here what I am going to do this week.
Break: Stop sitting with my 'friends' that are most likely to stop me expressing my feelings. They have been assholes to everyone lately too, and it would seem to be for the best. A year ago I would not have considered it, but thank you Lord, I will do it.
Help: Help someone else out. Makes me feel less worthless. Especially if no one ever finds out it was me, so I can exaggerate its importance rather than people putting it into perspective for me. Then I can tell myself I have really made a positive difference in someone else's life, without being able to know for sure.
Express: Let that girl know even just a tiny bit how much she means to me. This is the hardest one. Obviously cant tell exactly how much she means to me, because that will most likely just freak her out. But just in some small way, let her know at least to a tiny extent my feelings. Even if it is just telling her how she is easily the most awesome girl at the school. Or the only girl I have talked to in years. Or the only girl I have ever even talked to this much. Or how she is the only thing ever on my mind, and my every waking moment (even in my dreams as well) I think of her, inventing conversations with her, imagining things we could do together, beating myself up over how I may never be able to tell her this, etc. I am a wreck.
Ok, that's my goal this week. 4 days. Break, Help, Express. Most importantly express. Please, God, help me express.

The World is a better place than I thought

I generally compain on this thing. One of my few talents. But for once I am going to be positive about something.

More proof on the pure awesomeness of Sweden, a very kind soul by the name of David Snusgrop has put me on his blog roll. WOAH huge news I know, but for a tiny little private thing it might actually start getting attention. I doubt it will hold attention, unless I get off my ass and start putting actual decent stuff up here, but its good to know. That guy is a legend, helping me to finally acquire some music from that God of musicians Peter Dolving a while ago. If he is reading this, thank you again. For everything. Especially the Peter Dolving Band (you can probably guess I love Dolving's music).

If you are one this thing because of that link, welcome. This is about as exciting as it gets, mostly crap (and I mean crap, like pointless and boring to the extreme) on my life but every now and then something of my personal philosophies. I do not blame you for clicking back right now.

If you are interested in that kind of stuff (being the one in a billion who would be), I suppose you could look at it as some kind of grand story. With no hero. Will he ever get the girl? I can think of the most likely answer.

For the Record

Yes. I do deliberately choose my 'now playing' songs to try and give subtle messages to that girl. I like to pretend her song choice is a kind of reply. Sometimes it almost makes sense, and an almost intelligible conversation occurs through song names. Or so I pretend. It is most likely a coincidence, but as I have said before, where is the fun in believing that? I like to think that the same thoughts go through her mind, but then I put my realistic cap on and think otherwise. Look at me. I am repulsive and gutless. There is no way that she could honestly have 'feelings' for me.
But, I am working on it. I hope.

Awesome Music and the little Pain

The danish band Raunchy is awesome, in case you forgot future self. Peter Dolving works his magic again on the Bring the War Home song 'Sing Cain'. "This is not a melody of backstreet brawls or piss drunks or bald teamsters kicking in their skulls. This...is the song...of Cain." He is amazing.
And, again in case you ever forget this, Belgium has an awesome music scene. Ghinzu, The Black Box Revelations, Absynthe Minded. All wonderful little pieces of independent rock. Diablo Swing Orchestra, Raintime, The Stomping Souls and Turmion Kätilöt are also incredible.

It hurts me so much when I invent 'excuses' for why I cant talk with that girl. Admittedly, they are probably legitimate. But nothing comes close to the enjoyment I get from any communication with her. At least I can build up the courage to start a conversation now within 5 minutes, reviewing what I will say only a couple of times and barely even pouring with sweat at all. That is honestly an improvement.

A slightly sad ending to an inexplicably good weekend.

Good Day

Today felt like beaches with friends. Do not know why, considering I was inside all day studying. Although I did acquire an automobile in a most pleasing transaction. And that girl talked to me again, admittedly through msn but it makes it so much easier for me. Especially when it comes to pretending I could ever be with her.

Damn new car, makes me smell like women.

A more enjoyable Sunday than I have had in a long time.

Well Theres Your Problem

I have been looking at all my failures as being caused by innate failings of myself. Recently I stopped and considered why these failures are in me, my social insecurity and horrendous fear of expressing myself. It is because I am afraid to be judged.

This seems to fit everything I complain about and more. Even my taste in music. I listen to such incredibly obscure bands because that lets me avoid judgement. No one can make generalizations about you (based on music choice) when they know nothing of the band you are listening to. I rarely give true opinions either. Or initiate conversations. Or choose to sit somewhere that could possibly lead someone to form an opinion of me.

It also explains the creation of my out of control proxy. And the way I start to sweat when someone looks at work that I have put real effort into. Which also happens when I show someone some of my music. Which I avoid a ridiculous amount.

So I have found the problem. I just need to fix it. But how? It needs more thought.

Anyway, this thing really does seem to be helping. You are better than a psychiatrist future self, especially as I am perfectly comfortable in expressing myself to you. You are the one person I know that wont try and force preconceived notions onto me or lump me into generic categories based on my actions.

Swedish Reggae?

Yeah, Swedish Reggae. More proof that if it is awesome, it's in Sweden. Where it gets made even awesomer by the Swedes, until such extreme levels of awesomeness are reached that awesomeness is actually sucked out of neighbouring countries. Sweden has actually taken 80% of the awesomeness from certain regions in eastern Europe (the ones with lower awesomeness retention factors), such as Latvia, Lithuania, Estonia, Belarus and Slovakia. Other regions are trying their best to retain their awesomeness, such as Poland (who's awesomeness is entirely maintained by Michal Marcinowski) and Germany (which relies upon its industrial music scene). Scandinavian countries naturally have high awesomeness retention factors, so they will be able to resist Sweden's black hole like suction of awesomeness for some time.

More on that girl. Seems if I am not failing, I am just plain out running from her. I sicken myself. Which is my problem. How can anyone ever accept me, when I don't even accept myself. The best they can do is accept that strange hollow shell that is me in public, like a cheap Chinese model of myself. That actually is it.

There is no point in even trying to 'get with' anyone, when it is not even me that they know. I am attracted (OK, obsessed in a completely unhealthy way) to someone, but they see that other me, the one that sickens even me. And if even I am sickened by him, how could I expect someone I respect not to be? What a hideous curse. I need a name for that other me, the one that has 'friends' and distances me from all that I enjoy. Perhaps I will call him my false proxy. He acts for me, but I don't want him to. I will kill him. Brutally. Annihilate this out of control creation, before he really fucks things up.

I think I made him. A form of armour for my soft, insecure and sensitive self. He is out of control. Like Frankenstein's monster, he holds me hostage. Perhaps through the creation of another he will leave? No, he must be killed. But how? He is far too powerful to take on single handed, and besides he has rooted in so deep I would tear myself apart removing him. Worse than a cancer.

This is an even worse level of responsibility dodging. Now its no longer my fault I am a weak gutless loser, oh no, its the other me. We are not related you see. I am the good me, he is the bad. It's that simple. I cant do anything wrong, I am perfect. Its the other me that is the loser, the broken one, the problem. No longer my fault. I cant do anything, that's just what happens. My failure is unavoidable.

I am disgusting.

Off to see the Wizard...

The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.
Because,
Because,
Because,
Because,
Because of the wonderful things he does.
He lives in Emerald city, but I just need to get that damn witch's broom.

• Brains X
  
• Nerve
• Heart
• Home

I have a Book

Yeah, I have a little blue notebook filled with, ummm, crap pretty much. But perhaps more illustrated than the crap on here. Perhaps I will scan it sometime future self and remind you of it. It is almost full. I wonder what happens when it is full?

Seems like I have gone a VERY long time without mentioning that girl. Which is really only like 1 or 2 weeks. Probably less. Yup, exactly one week. Damn. Perhaps I don't need the courage to approach her, more just the courage to be able to be true to myself and comfortable with that. I constantly asked for the courage, and it never seemed to get me anywhere. Perhaps this different approach is what I need.

Notice how it is not up to me to do. Oh no. It is what I ask for. How damn sad is that? There is no good word for it, something to describe patheticness, sadness and self-pity all at once.

The Scientist and the Rat, but one

I am:

• A moving lump of meat, programmed with the generic aims of survival and proliferation of my kind. Equipped with biological urges that ensure my every action are made with the sole purpose of achieving these goals, my existence, as such, has no real meaning or purpose. Like a leaf falling in a forest, it just happens.
• Simultaneously, an emotive Human. I love, anger, feel happiness and sadness, which at the same time I know to be the little voices telling me to survive and proliferate. Yet I feel this, and being Human I cant ignore them. To give up feeling would be to give up my humanity, and my hollow lies and artificial purposes that fill my 'life' are just too damn fun to give up.

My existence is meaningless and unnecessary. But it can get pretty amusing with some self constructed (yet equally pointless) purposes and some empty lies.
I live my life as a story. I lie to myself, to make it bearable.

Another old one

Death is inevitable, Why wait?
Whatever else I am, I am Human.
Bred to Survive and Reproduce,
I am not allowed to fail.

Which now only makes up half of that wonderful tint I see the world through these days.

Funny...

Funny how some things stick in the mind.

'So proud of you'

This crap does not even deserve a title

Well this place sure beats reality. Trying to deal with people annoys me a lot of the time. Not all the time, probably not most of the time either. But it sure gets depressing. Why do they have to be different? Other people suck.

Why do I even need people? Sometimes I wish I was a robot or something, emotions and all this crap can really drag on. Being human has its ups, but that built in urge for social contact can really annoy me sometimes. To be able to be content with being alone would rock. But unfortunately (sometimes) I am human, and have to deal with this. Which I do. But never as well as I would like.

Exciting News for my Avid Readers

The title is a lie. I have no exciting news, and my only reader is far from avid. At least I don't expect him to be when he/I arrives.

Again the girl, more complaining blah blah. Obsession can really get tiring. I have been thinking too, that anyone who 'knows' me who stumbles across this site will have no idea who this girl is (unless they are more perceptive than I expect) unless they read all up to the one post where she is named. So if you're looking through here for her name, it's a fair way back.

Been considering showing this thing to someone. Probably not that girl, because, well, the chances are that it will just creep her out. An incredible amount, to the extent that even eye contact becomes awkward. Which would probably be mostly on my part, socially insecure wimp (need a better word for that) that I am. Alternatively she would not be creeped out, for which I would instantly marry her. It is not something I really want to risk however (I never risk anything if you have noticed, generally making me worse off). Might show it to a 'friend'. There are only two people in the world I would trust with that. One is the best friend I have ever had, and knows more of this side of me than anyone. The other is just a naturally trustworthy guy, I hope. Could I handle the awkwardness?

More on the beautiful story thing. Remember that digiclipse site, future me? I had forgotten about it too until recently. It is really proof that stories are the best part of living. These people, despite logic, common sense, pretty much the entire world's opinion and actual observation really believe in digimon. Sad, yet at the same time, wonderful. These people create their own reality, which they may or may not seriously believe in, and it is a hundred times more beautiful to them than the one that laughs at their ridiculous ideas. Which is probably the best argument I have ever seen defending 20 year olds that believe that television characters will become real and visit them.

Lost?

I dont really know where to go from here. I am trying to create something by the way, but so much of my time just seems to be wasted. I honestly just feel lost. Dont know what to do about that girl, which means that I will most likely end up doing nothing. And losing. As usually happens.

I have been dreaming recently. That is a pretty big thing for me, I very rarely dream, so the ones I get I treasure. The ones I have had recently though could hardly be called dreams though. Mostly they just seem to be memories. So often now I have to think about something I remember to be sure it happened or not. Dissapointingly, the best things I remember never happened. Which sucks.

Ever noticed how wonderful this place can be with a different perspective? This world, just a bunch of seemingly random crap happening to each and every one of us, has no story, no real hidden beauty lying beneath the surface waiting for us to see it. But thats the best bit about being human. We make the stories, we create our beauty. Find the stories, and the world can be a beautiful place. I just never seem to be able to play my part in my stories. The ones from my perspective never have endings, neither happy or sad. Everyone elses stories seem better, although, as I said before, it is all a matter of perspective.

I need to play my role, make my story beautiful. Because a beautiful story is the best bit about being human.

I'm a bit all over the place at the moment, but I now have a favourite way of looking at things.

ypwtkwtm

ypwtkwtm. You Probably Want To Know What This Means. And now you do. And now you are here. And, coincidently, so am I. Or at least my past self was, and he ('I' really right now) is currently entertaining you. Please notice the date of this post, I have been waiting a long time, at least I was planning to, perhaps I haven't. Thats the problem with being a recording of your past self, you only get one shot and you cant go back. Well now you are here (I hope so, because I have no way of telling right now). This site has a whole bunch of stuff on me that I never had the guts to really say. Perhaps you are interested, perhaps not. If the latter, that is unfortunate, because it is really only through the former that you can find the next clue. If I end up putting in another clue. I am still unsure at this point where this is going. Maybe you already know, and are simply rechecking your steps. Maybe you have no idea what this is about, suggesting you found the site through another means. Which means you are either a random web traveller or that girlfriend I hope my future self gets around to getting who I have semi-promised myself to show this to. Most likely however, you are just my future self again. Sorry if I am making an idiot out of you.

Titles, not mentioning that girl and some yelling

I am suprised how happy I am with the title of this blog. When I first chose it I did not think I would be happy with it for so long, yet suprisingly it still manages to reflect the purpose of this blog. The same cant be said for the domain name, which was also the result of a Machinae Supremacy binge and has very little to do with the thing now. If I could change it, I would probably make it something to do with a pillow. As in when you scream into a pillow.

I am not going to mention that girl in this post, even you future self are probably bored of it and my constant whinging. At the same time you are probably incredibly pissed at me for letting it go. Pfft, thats your problem buddy, not mine. Although it seems past self has been a bit of an asshole too, I mean he seems to do nothing but fail, it's not all my fault. Obviously its up to me and you, future self, to fix that, but I am kind of busy at the moment and you seem to have heaps of time, so you can fix that up. Ok thanks.

I am intending to add something real soon (storywise), although I am not putting up anything I am not happy with. And I have only just realised how pointless this is (reassuring you that I am putting something up soon). NOBODY READS THIS THING EXCEPT YOU AND YOU ARE ME AND DONT CARE WHEN I AM ADDING SOMETHING NEW BECAUSE YOU HAVE ALREADY SEEN IT!. Sorry for yelling.

Me?

This 'blog' was always meant to be a place where I can express my 'true' self. I feel I am so many people, acting differently for everyone I am with. That is why I hate big groups and crowds. But who is my 'true' self? How is this me any more true than the me I am with 'friends'? If anything this me is less true, I have time to choose my words carefully, at best this is a judged representation of who I want to be. But at the same time the person I am around others makes me sick, I barely enjoy it. Am I better represented by this constructed image of who I wanted to be, or the instinctive and insecure retard I am around others? I have always thought that you are what they see. There is no point in being a really sensitive and caring person when all people see is you acting like an idiot. In that case I am pretty much what I hate. For someone who values honesty and truth so much I am a freak. I cant even be true to what I hope is myself. So if no one ever sees this 'true' me, I will have only ever been a loser. When a part of you hates another part, you know you have gone wrong somewhere.
I have always wondered what it would be like to meet myself. Anyone who could get along with themselves, I believe, is a truely honest and noble person. That would be the ultimate test of honesty, and, speaking plainly, I think I would fail dismally.

I have a Plan

Well if you were expecting more literary revelations, I am going to have to disappoint you. I am intending to add something soon, as soon as I get the time to actually write the thing. Anyway, about my plan.

I was thinking, this place is where I fully express myself. It is the best representation of the real me (or so I like to think, sometimes I feel I still censor some things on here). So, well, it would be kind of interesting to show it to someone who knows me, but preferably in such a way that I don't have to endure the whole awkwardness of knowing that they know kind of thing. Ideally it would be someone I wont be seeing again, at least, intentionally. The people I know now, well they're good people but not so much my type I feel (the exception is that girl, but that could be entirely due to my feelings on the matter). Ok, enough messing around, here it is.

I will leave this place, go somewhere else (in real life, not find another blog or anything). I want to, this place bores me and I feel I don't quite belong. It might be just me, but I have to know. So basically I leave, with no or little intention of coming back or keeping contact with the people I know. Then phase 2 kicks in.

As I part, not even telling them that I am leaving, I give each one the link to this site. That is all I leave them with. Most will probably ignore it, some may read it and not realise it is me, but the important thing is that they have an opportunity. If anyone does actually read it, and put it together, then I completely regret leaving them and would probably want to get back in contact. I don't really feel me leaving would be such a big deal to them all anyway. But if someone proves that they did actually care for me (that sounds wrong, obviously they all do, I cant quite explain) then they win. I keep in contact with them. I realise the plan makes me sound like an emo prick "Oh noes nobody cares nobody understands me whinge whinge maybe when i am gone they will care...blah blah blah", but I don't intend it that way. It is more, an experiment so to say. So if I actually do end up doing this, which I honestly doubt I will, and you are one of those people reading this, hi!. Leave a comment. I have been planning this for a long time (or will have been by the time you read this).

Anyway, back to the girl thing. Seems I cant post without one. Not actually surprising considering that is honestly all I think about. It cant be healthy. Just like in that awesome SOil song, I am obsessed. You have probably realised. More whinging on how I am too scared to talk (I should just give it an abbreviation to save me typing the same crap each time), and on to the developments. I suppose I could tentatively call her a friend at least (she probably wouldn't do the same back), but I can at least initiate conversation. When it seems reasonable to do so. Which is very rarely (INSERT WHINGE ON SOCIAL INSECURITY CRAP HERE). I can honestly say the highlight of each day is being with her, I look forward to the five minutes and the start and end of the day when we 'can' talk. At which point I have to include a very appropriate comic:

What a loser, I know. Damn I am sad.

This is what I write when nothing else comes to mind as to what I should actually write in this Title space

Well, again thanks to the G-Unit up there, things are going pretty well. A lot better than my pessimistic mind could hope. It is mighty unlikely that I get a girlfriend by the end of this year (is there some way maybe to make myself get of my ass and actually do something about my whole insecurity issue thing? I mean, I am sitting back and letting stuff slide through my fingers on so many levels, even though I know I will regret it later.) perhaps I may at least have something approaching my first real female friend. It is a start at least. Christ that is sad.

It honestly annoys me how much time I spend self pitying. I mean, come on. Go do something about it. Wait a minute. I am getting annoyed at myself for not doing anything, and telling myself to do something about it. Isn't that just prolonging the problem, relying upon myself to somehow react to my own requests. How many of me are there? It is up to me to do something, but I have no idea what to do. Perhaps just get some guts and take a risk. Nope, cant do that, too scared. Jeez. There's the part of me getting angry at the part of me that is too scared, even though both parts aren't doing anything at all. Is the angry part just waiting for the scared part to toughen up before it can actually do something? Damn. If only there was someway to temporarily disable this scared part, just to see what happens. If only there was some way that I actually stop complaining about social insecurities on a random web page and actually grow a spine and do something.

I both sicken and frustrate myself.

Well...

Hmmm, seems a lot stranger than I remember. While at the time I kind of semi believed it (in a very abstract way, I was very emotionally confused at the time), it makes almost no sense to me now. There is very little story in that, probably not the best thing to start my creation spree with (Yes OK, I was lazy and could not be bothered actually making something new at the time). It is a good experiment in evoking atmosphere however, which, not quite vital to a story, is one of the most important things in how one is presented.

Another interesting thing was that attempt I made at explaining my early deterministic views, which in fact was the premise of the story (what if this intricate order broke?). I had forgotten how long I had held those views. It is also interesting to note that even though I wasn't all that into the G-minster at the time (it happened at one of those periods where I literally had no hope for anything), I still imagined some kind of purpose to this order.

Well back to the old issue. You can probably guess what it is. You're probably suprised that I went three posts without mentioning it future self. That girl. Well last time we spoke I thought the most awesome thing ever was when she sat next to me that one time and awesomeness ensured. Well more awesomeness has happened, my excessively experience gifted self, and we had an AWESOME conversation!. On MsN. Which kind of killed it in a way, but the fact that she could put up with me for that hour or whatever is good news. I may not be the social leper I expect. Although that brings me to the down side. It was on Msn. Which sucks. Could I have done that face to face? I sure hope so. If I (which is coincidently the name of a show by Demetri Martin that was the subject of some conversation) can, I am a better person than I could have hoped.

Now, as I have explained, I am not the kind to take the credit for these developments. Thank You Big G. I honestly appreciate it. You are my best reader, before my future self even. My future self has never done anything for me. I mean, here I am, working my ass of for him and what has he done? Nothing. Dont use that breakdone of causality excuse with me buddy.

The Others

The Cold is not empty. I have seen beings that exist in the Cold, watching from the edges of our reality as one would peer into a fishbowl. Perhaps seen is the wrong word, for I certainly did not use my eyes. They watch me however, with the gaze of those who alrea...

And that is where I left it. I cant remember what I was going to put after that.

The Cold

As the order that runs our world falls around us, I begin to notice something else entirely. Perhaps it is brought by the Chaos, perhaps it is the Chaos itself, or maybe it has always existed, beyond my senses. It cannot be described in such a medium as mere language. It has no colour, no smell, no sound nor feeling, at least, not to the touch. It seems to exist underneath our world, or perhaps parrallel to it, so each are the same yet different. I cannot describe it, yet I know it is there. It grips my mind each time I feel it surface. I am left feeling Cold. So Cold. This is happening more and more, and I fear it may be affecting me permanently. I feel afraid. The simplest way to explain it would be as a parrallel reality existing on the same dimensions, yet invisible to all physical senses, but it is so much more as well. It seems to get larger, or perhaps stronger as time goes by. Can the blind notice it, as a grim darkness in their hearts telling of a dark future? For it seems obvious to me, this Cold will take us all. Am I alone? I fear the Cold and the Chaos are linked in some terrible way, yet the Cold has no effect on our reality. It only affects me. Could I be the cause of the Chaos, the Cold's grip on my mind causing me to start chains of events that never should have happened? I am afraid.
















Find Me. Save Me. Save Yourself.

The Chaos

For those who are too blind as to see, a change begins to occurr. The pattern is starting to break. In a world controlled by order, a giant machine of incredible intricacy, where each event is based on the outcomes of the last, hints of chaos begin to shine through. To most of the unfortunate, the world is chaos, each new day a plethora of possibilties. They are too blind to see there is but one. How can this be, cry the blind and the picture begins to clear. Follow the cause of each event that occurs, an you will see it depends on another, which is a result of another, an so on till it reaches the dawn. Each choice and decision a man makes, is due to a constant combination of genes and past experiences. Follow closely enough and you will see, there is only one possible way this world can go, choice is an illusion and and we are all trapped following a predetermined sequence of events. When the realization begins to dawn on you, a question will begin to form in your mind. How do you know what is meant to happen and what is not? Should you do an act only because you wish to act out of the order, that too is a result of this message which is an inevitable outcome of that unchangable chain of events which the blind in their multitides call the past. No matter what you do, you cannot act out of the order. Which leads me to my point, now you understand the order, and watch it play past with the intricate perfection and exactness of a clock, perhaps even see glimpses of the end, the final glorious goal this world moves inevitably toward, can you see the hints of disruption that begin to appear? For I do, and I deeply fear for our world should the order collapse. There are few who see this clearly, yet to me it appears as a dark horizon hinting of terrible things to come. Seek out the cause of the chaos that disrupts the inevitable machine that is this world, and join us, the enlightened, in the preservation of the order.










Prevent the Chaos
Seek me out, you will know when you find me. I cannot stop the spread of disruption lone.

Another Change

This place has been a recording of sorts. Nothing new, just storage of things that have already happened. Well I have been thinking lately. And my thoughts have been a lot more emotional than they usually are. As I mentioned before, I love stories. I had to write on some application thing my dreams and aspirations. And I wrote that I wanted to create things that bring joy to people (which would include stories). At the time I thought it was just some crap to make me seem more earnest, but damn it, I think I honestly do.

From looking around, this place seems to be missing something. Something that I can only find in stories. Its peoples little fantasies that make this place worth it, the little worlds they invent for themselves. This is what I want to do. I want to make these worlds, make these stories that make this place better.

Well this kind of thinking is probably a direct result of that girl. Which I had an awesome conversation with the other day. Admittedly it was on MsN (I doubt I could have kept her interest that long face to face), but still. I loved it. Most enjoyable thing I have done in years. And she may never know.

Anyway. I feel I should use this thing to create as well, not just record. So to begin that I am putting up something I did a long time ago. It may not make much sense, but it pretty accurately describes how I felt at the time (admittedly a bit overdramatised).

I am going to have to come up with better Titles

Well more stuff that is probably incredibly interesting to all of you. And by all of you I mean you, who is most likely me. I was just thinking today on some stuff, and unpredictably my mind turned to that girl again. Who would have thought? Perhaps my feelings of attraction toward someone is an exact replicate of their feelings towards me? That would explain my slight 'cooling' on that girl. If this was true I would honestly kick myself so much. That would mean that she is actually attracted to me! Which would be a second. In my entire life. Which is kind of sad, but so is most of it. Wait, no that would not work at all. I have had sudden random attractions to people before. Admittedly nowhere near like now, but still. All it takes is for a girl to say a nice word for me and BAM they're at the top of my books. Which is incredibly sad. I would say I need to go out more, but that doesn't help at all.

Ahhh. If it turned out that she is/was attracted to me, I honestly don't know what I would do. Even if I knew it for sure, I doubt I would actually even do anything. Which makes me sick on the inside, and almost makes me vomit when I realise that I could lose her, all because of that. Although, the chances are slim, microscopic. To her I am nothing but a slightly odd casual acquaintance. Not even a real friend. I wont let myself become a friend (I disgust even myself with that). Would anyone even want me for one, let alone be attracted to me? Does this even make sense? I just feel so out of things, as if everyone else is in on something I missed. Everyone else has their own little games, little signs and hidden messages, that go completely over my head. Like a blind man in a china shop I only make things worse for myself when I try. Goddamn it. To requote that almost Godlike man Anders Friden, 'I feel like shit, but at least I feel something'. I remind myself of that every time I feel down. That probably isn't good. I get some kind of sick thrill out of any emotion, even pain. Is there anyone else like me?

Confessions

This blog is a place for me to talk about things that I am too nervous or self conscious to talk about with my 'friends'. So that means it is time to make a few confessions.
I like poetry (generally that found in lyrics though).
I love a good story. This is something I love above almost anything. The most beautiful thing in anything, a game, a photo, a movie, a song is the story behind it.
I read books. Yes, ya chitao (Russian for I read). The most beautiful stories are in books, most likely because the author has a lot more control over the finished product to develop something exactly as they envision it. The Lord of the Rings is probably my favourite story ever, the whole atmosphere, lore and history behind and the general depth that fills the book is just amazing.
I enjoy single player games more than multiplayer. Again because of the story. Favourite game ever would have to be System Shock 2. It had an awesome atmosphere, storyline and told the story in one of the most effective ways I have yet seen. Although half life rates up there pretty high as well.

Well that was worthwhile. Sometimes I wonder if I write this thing to simply give a perception of myself that is much easier to control rather than to simply truly express myself. Although, if all I do is construct images of myself, and that is all that anyone sees, that is all I am. In terms of a hidden personality, if no one sees it it might as well not exist, and to everyone else it doesn't.

On another note however, does anyone else have conversations with themselves? I mean, not quite with themselves as in a discussion with themselves, rather imagining conversations before they happen. It is a habit of mine, and at best it is a harmless distraction for my wandering mind, and at worst it is the first sign of madness. It kind of annoys me, although being mad would have its benefits. The slightly skewed viewpoint would lead to some interesting actions on my behalf.

Edit: Nope, not mad. Plato wrote all of his best ideas as dialogues, something I should have realized before, and I just read something else about someone else evaluating ideas through internal arguments. That is good to know and kind of disappointing at the same time.